So far, this week has focused on handling anger, but knowing where it come from is just as important.

The best approach to sorting it out is to think it through — either on your own or with a trusted friend who will be honest and can be objective.

Then address these questions.

Is the anger general or specific?

General anger, the kind that seems to always be simmering just beneath the surface, deserves professional evaluation, especially if you find it affecting your moods and relationships.

Specific anger needs to be analyzed.

At work or outside?

Give careful thought to what/where brings it on. Does it start at work, home or other places you go? With a specific a person or activity? Is it hot anger or cold? Is it really anger or is it anxiety?

What’s next?

The reason you want to identify the source as specifically as possible is that it opens up a wide range of possible ways to address it, from direct discussion (not confrontation) to avoidance strategies and dozens of other approaches in-between.

The process is easier if you talk it through with a trusted friend, someone who can be both objective and supportive.

And don’t be surprised if you discover that you are part of the problem, not just the solution.

Image credit: Damian Gadal

Ryan’s solution to getting angry is to respond after he’s slept; the vp in yesterday’s post went somewhere private to cool down before responding.

Both work, but there’s a third way.

The non-tech world already figured it out and the tech world is starting to admit that “move fast and break things” isn’t the smartest approach.

However, there is one good time to break things, although moving fast is optional.

That’s when you’re seriously angry and what may break is you.

Not good.

Instead, break a thing.

Contrary to what a lot of professionals tell you, hitting a ball or even a punching bag, no matter how hard, doesn’t always help.

Why? Because when all is said and done, hitting [whatever] is constructive, not destructive

And destructive feelings are usually immune to constructive action.

Smashing something is different.

Glasses or crockery — dishes, bowls, cups — work best and they’re cheap at garage sales and thrift shops.

The only caveat is to smash safely.

The easiest way is to get a really deep large box (the kind from a washer, dryer, etc.) and smash whatever you are using in that. If it’s too tall to throw straight down stand on a stool.

The important thing is to be able to throw really hard — smash as opposed to break.

First, focus your mind on your anger.

Then focus on the item you plan to smash and transfer your anger to the object.

Then smash it.

The goal is to destroy the feelings along with the object.

The number of items depends on the quantity of anger.

Best of all, it works.

I know.

I had a smashing station in my garage for years.

I don’t need it anymore.

Image credit: Ruth Hartnup

Poking through 12+ years of posts I find information that’s as useful now as when it was written.

Golden Oldies is a collection of the most relevant and timeless posts during that time.

Ryan’s post a couple of weeks ago reminded me of something I’ve wrote a long time ago.

The sum of it was not that great but in the moment it was contentious. Emails and gnashing of teeth on both sides. In that moment I was angry, but I chose to wait to respond.

My solution? Sleep.

Good solution, but when you’re a boss and something happens that makes you angry you usually can’t wait until the next day to deal with it.

So what do you do? Here’s a solution from the 1970s (and before). It worked then, it works now and it will work in the future.

Read other Golden Oldies here.

How angry do you become when you ask your team or colleague for X and get X — 4, or X + 1. or even Y? How often have you lost, or almost lost it, because of the response you received during a meeting?

What is the only perfect response you can make when something happens and you’re ready to blow your top?

You’ve heard the answer all your life—when you’re angry, shut up/stay quiet/ don’t say anything; don’t “look” anything, either, until you’ve calmed down. Smart advice, but hard to follow.

Many managers don’t even realize when they go into “screaming mode,” because they don’t actually scream—they drip sarcasm, leak contempt, stream scorn or fire off zingers; they belittle and role their eyes. Most don’t realize the long-term damage that they do to their people; others just don’t care—their attitude is that stuff happens, get over it!

What neither type seems to realize is that, over time, one of three things happen,

• people grow inured to their tantrums,
• are damaged by them (people do stay in abusive relationships),
• or leave the company.

To change this,

• you must first acknowledge to yourself that you do it and that you want to change it; then
• whenever you feel yourself getting angry smile, nod and leave by saying that you have to make a call, use the bathroom, whatever innocuous excuse best fits the situation;
• go somewhere private, blow off steam if necessary, but calm down;
• schedule a time to resume the discussion; then
• simulate the least amount of anger (if any) needed to get your point across.

It’ll take people time to trust the “new” you, but it’s worth it. In the office, it will pay off in higher productivity and less turnover. You and your people will suffer less from stress, and you, personally, will have more energy, enjoy higher quality sleep, and see improvement in all your relationships

Image credit: istolethetv

I have been trying to think of topics to write about this week and am struggling. As I laid down in bed only one thing came to mind, sleep.

I have a 5 week old now, along with three other beautiful children and sleep alludes me.

They all have different schedules and needs. They are all competing for my attention as well.

How can I fix this? Sleep.

It made me think of the competing interests we have at work. Different deadlines. Different priorities. Agendas to pursue. They can all add up.

I had a conflict at work recently.

The sum of it was not that great but in the moment it was contentious. Emails and gnashing of teeth on both sides.

I tend to not get too wrapped up in drama at work, but it will happen when two or more humans are gathered.

In that moment I was angry, but I chose to wait to respond.

My solution? Sleep.

I rested and rethought about a solution.

The next day the sun was shining and the birds sang. I was no longer angry and was able to resolve the issues.

Sleep. That is all you need.

I know this is not the only answer to life, but at this moment it’s a good answer.

Image credit: Ana Sofia Guerreirinho

CEOs move markets. A look, a gesture, a word.

And what the experts recommend for them will work for you.

Forbes has an article how to control CEO rage, but the best part is the accompanying slideshow highlighting the anger of a few of the most famous and infamous—those who lied, cheated and stole their way into history.

The Washington Post calls it the “Silent Language of Leadership,” but ignore the ‘leadership’. What is described is the silent language of influencing people, whether you are a CEO, Bernie Madoff or parents struggling to get through to your teenager.

Sometimes the boss decides it’s time to leave, but there’s a right way and a wrong way to do it—Sarah Palin did it the wrong way. See how it should be done; this is good information no matter what level you’re on.

Finally, how much disclosure should be required of the CEO of a publicly traded company? It’s a hot topic since Steve Jobs surgery was announced as a done deal.

Your comments—priceless

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Image credit: nono farahshila on flickr