Golden Oldies: What To Do When You Get Really Mad
by Miki Saxon
Poking through 12+ years of posts I find information that’s as useful now as when it was written.
Golden Oldies is a collection of the most relevant and timeless posts during that time.
Ryan’s post a couple of weeks ago reminded me of something I’ve wrote a long time ago.
The sum of it was not that great but in the moment it was contentious. Emails and gnashing of teeth on both sides. In that moment I was angry, but I chose to wait to respond.
My solution? Sleep.
Good solution, but when you’re a boss and something happens that makes you angry you usually can’t wait until the next day to deal with it.
So what do you do? Here’s a solution from the 1970s (and before). It worked then, it works now and it will work in the future.
Read other Golden Oldies here.
How angry do you become when you ask your team or colleague for X and get X — 4, or X + 1. or even Y? How often have you lost, or almost lost it, because of the response you received during a meeting?
What is the only perfect response you can make when something happens and you’re ready to blow your top?
You’ve heard the answer all your life—when you’re angry, shut up/stay quiet/ don’t say anything; don’t “look” anything, either, until you’ve calmed down. Smart advice, but hard to follow.
Many managers don’t even realize when they go into “screaming mode,” because they don’t actually scream—they drip sarcasm, leak contempt, stream scorn or fire off zingers; they belittle and role their eyes. Most don’t realize the long-term damage that they do to their people; others just don’t care—their attitude is that stuff happens, get over it!
What neither type seems to realize is that, over time, one of three things happen,
- people grow inured to their tantrums,
- are damaged by them (people do stay in abusive relationships),
- or leave the company.
To change this,
- you must first acknowledge to yourself that you do it and that you want to change it; then
- whenever you feel yourself getting angry smile, nod and leave by saying that you have to make a call, use the bathroom, whatever innocuous excuse best fits the situation;
- go somewhere private, blow off steam if necessary, but calm down;
- schedule a time to resume the discussion; then
- simulate the least amount of anger (if any) needed to get your point across.
It’ll take people time to trust the “new” you, but it’s worth it. In the office, it will pay off in higher productivity and less turnover. You and your people will suffer less from stress, and you, personally, will have more energy, enjoy higher quality sleep, and see improvement in all your relationships
Image credit: istolethetv
