In an interesting post at HBR Peter Bregman talks about attending a conference as yourself instead of as your role, although roles are far easier, because we feel more comfortable and safer.
It’s why, within a minute of meeting someone, we begin to define ourselves by our roles, our status, and our relationships to others. We think it’s because other people need that information to know us.
But standing alone at that party I realized I’d been fooling myself. Other people don’t need that information to know me. I need that information to know myself.
I would go further and suggest that you attend life as yourself as opposed to your roles.
Roles make it easy to interact with strangers, but they also allow us to hide from our bosses, colleagues and even serve as barriers between us and our families—but the greatest disservice roles perform is allowing us to hide from ourselves.
If you define yourself internally by your roles you preclude exploration and the chance to discover new depths, travel new paths and learn what you are really capable of.
Putting yourself first and your roles second is scary and makes you vulnerable, but it also opens the door to a myriad of possibilities.
Your MAP is what truly defines you; it defines you more than your ethnicity, religion, where you were raised, the schools you attended or any other external criteria.
MAP is why you act certain ways and do certain things, as I wrote about myself several years ago.
MAP is not is an excuse to act badly.
MAP makes you you.
MAP is dynamic as opposed to static—and totally within your control.
It will morph and change as you direct and not as others suggest.
Which is not to say that you shouldn’t listen to suggestions; honest feedback is the best objective mirror for viewing your MAP.
Once you thoroughly understand the role MAP plays in your life you should understand that it plays a similar role in the lives of your team, your vendors and your customers.
Because just as their suggestions won’t directly change your MAP, your suggestions won’t directly change theirs.
A call I had today prompts me to repost something I wrote last year.
Choosing Your Audience
Every day we make choices and, as kids, learning to make wise ones is one on the most important things that should happen as we grow.
But it doesn’t always happen.
The great thing is that you can change and learn to make good choices at any time in your life—it is an integral part of leading yourself.
One of the most important choices anyone makes is found in the people they choose to have as part of their life.
Although I could write my own ideas of what that means, I’d like to share something I received from a friend. I can’t find who the author is, so I’ll credit the prolific Anon.
Everyone Can’t Be in Your Front Row
Life is a theater – invite your audience carefully. Not everyone is spiritually healthy and mature enough to have a front row seat in our lives. There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance.
It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you let go, or at least minimize your time with draining negative, incompatible, not-going-anywhere relationships/friendships/fellowships!
Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention to: Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?
Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill?
When you leave certain people, do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don’t really understand, know and appreciate you and the gift that lies within you? When you seek growth, peace of mind, love and truth, the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the FRONT ROW and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.
You cannot change the people around you…but you can change the people you are around! Choose wisely the people who sit in the front row of your life.
Copy the last sentence and tape it to your monitor and the bathroom mirror; forward the post to every person you care about—not with a lecture, but with a hug; discuss it’s meaning with your kids—they are never too young to learn this.
Take a long, hard look at who sits in your front row; if you don’t want them there you don’t need to have a major confrontation, just quietly lower their priority in your life and assign them to a seat at the back—even if they have you in their front row.
I know that I’m in the front row of several people who sit in the rear of my audience, but I say nothing, because nothing would be gained. They would be deeply hurt for no reason; they have little-to-no impact on me because they are far back and where they choose to seat me is none of my business.
Every day we make choices and, as kids, learning to make wise ones is one on the most important things that should happen as we grow.
But it doesn’t always happen.
The great thing is that you can change and learn to make good choices at any time in your life—it is an integral part of leading yourself.
One of the most important choices anyone makes is found in the people they choose to have as part of their life.
Although I could write my own ideas of what that means, I’d like to share something I received from a friend. I can’t find who the author is, so I’ll credit the prolific Anon.
Everyone Can’t Be in Your Front Row
Life is a theater – invite your audience carefully. Not everyone is spiritually healthy and mature enough to have a front row seat in our lives. There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance.
It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you let go, or at least minimize your time with draining negative, incompatible, not-going-anywhere relationships/friendships/fellowships!
Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention to: Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?
Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill?
When you leave certain people, do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don’t really understand, know and appreciate you and the gift that lies within you? When you seek growth, peace of mind, love and truth, the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the FRONT ROW and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.
You cannot change the people around you…but you can change the people you are around! Choose wisely the people who sit in the front row of your life.
Copy the last sentence and tape it to your monitor and the bathroom mirror; forward the post to every person you care about—not with a lecture, but with a hug; discuss it’s meaning with your kids—they are never too young to learn this.
Take a long, hard look at who sits in your front row; if you don’t want them there you don’t need to have a major confrontation, just quietly lower their priority in your life and assign them to a seat at the back—even if they have you in their front row.
I know that I’m in the front row of several people who sit in the rear of my audience, but I say nothing, because nothing would be gained. They would be deeply hurt for no reason; they have little-to-no impact on me because they are far back and where they choose to seat me is none of my business.
Yesterday I shared emails from a reader who, at the end of the day, realized that he was over-reacting, his boss was insanely busy and nothing was wrong.
Today I want to share another story with you, only this one happened shortly after I entered the workforce.
There were seven of us in the office, everyone pulled their weight and we were a very congenial group often going out together for lunch or a drink after work.
One day “Jenny” didn’t come in and the next day she was late. Over the next few months she became cranky and very touchy. Her work slipped and the rest of us found ourselves picking up the slack. People started grumbling and, as they always do, the grumbles got back to our boss.
Fortunately, we had a very smart, proactive boss. He called a brief meeting on a morning that Jenny was absent and explained to us that her mother had been diagnosed with cancer; she was getting treatment, but in the meantime Jenny had to fill in for her.
We all knew that Jen had two younger sisters and that her dad had been out of the picture for years, so suddenly the dark circles, grouchiness, and missed days all started making sense. He told us that Jenny hadn’t said anything because she wasn’t looking for pity and the best thing we could do was to wait until she told us herself. In the meantime, he would appreciate it if we would desist from the grumbling and not-so-subtle comments.
That episode taught me a great lesson.
From then on, when someone didn’t do as expected or let me down in some way, my memory would flash to Jenny and I would take a deep breath and stomp on my reaction, because I didn’t know what was going on in their world.
I’d love to say that I always did this, but that would be a lie. But the older I got the more successful I was and I never regretted it. If the behavior continued I look for reasons and more often than not I found them.
Sure, there were times nothing was wrong and the person was just taking advantage of me and others, but more often they were under the gun, whether a derringer or a bazooka, and I was glad I didn’t make it worse.
So the next time someone lets you down, think about Jenny and cut them some slack; you’ll be glad you did.
I want to share a series of email with you today because they show up a very important point and apply to employees at all levels. The emails are from ‘Brian’, an aMillennial, who writes me on and off when he wants a sounding board or, at times, advice.
Before I had time to respond to the first one, the next two had arrived.
Hey Miki, I just want your opinion on this…
I had just finished a large project that had been assigned to me by my boss’s boss. I had completed it last week, doubled up on my work, went over it with my boss, and gotten it approved to bring in front of HIS boss. So we do, she liked it, end of that story. This report was to be presented to some important people within the company during a meeting that was on Monday. That same day I got this request from my boss to make printouts of some pages – actually, 6 custom printouts. Basically this was to be about 6 copies of a 10-12 page packet. He to add headers to my project spreadsheet (which was 8 worksheets) and get those printed out for the big meeting. I said “Alright, I can do that” and began my task. He was setting me up for failure.
10-15 minutes later he comes rushing up to my desk asking for the printouts. I wasn’t finished because I had to make a custom header for 8 worksheets, print out about 60 pages of about 4 different files (while other people were printing), and then customize the packets for each of the individuals in the meeting. This didn’t sit well with him and he made some snarky comment like “How long does it take to print out some sheets? Jeeze.” Fast-forward to today and he hasn’t spoken to me unless I speak to him first (which was once and it was a simple question).
The kicker is he has a printer on his desk, the files are online, and everyone has a laptop.
So I feel I was set up for disaster. I am the lowest paid in the department, the most tech-savvy, and a pretty well-rounded employee…except for the fact that I just got out of college and need more
Direction than your average employee, it feels like I am on the verge of getting fired… or sorry, I mean “rolled off” – I forgot contractors can’t get “fired.”
Miki
He recently (about 30 minutes ago) sent me an email stating: “Please take a look at this and make an action item log (excel) ….I want you to help me ensure that all of these items get completed. Bring this to the 3:30 meeting as well (if you can have it by then)”
This is a list of about 8 items… does this come across as condescending to you? I really don’t have any other tasks at the moment and I asked him for more stuff to do. I finished it in 10 minutes… if that.
Is this a reasonable assumption or am I being melodramatic?
Well I have a meeting with him at 3:30 today to talk about some documents I have edited – it is an hour meeting. I am hoping he will bring something up then. At this point I am in “freak out” mode.
After reading these three, my response was, Freaking out will only upset your digestion:) Treat this like any class you took with a tough teacher. Listen carefully and try not to interpret as you do. Doing that will make you miss stuff. And don’t freak if he doesn’t bring anything up. We can talk on your way home.
Hey Miki – I talked with my boss and he has just been INCREDIBLY busy – maybe I am over-analyzing. I may give you a call tomorrow – I think I should just sleep things off.
Brian’s realization that it was his boss’ schedule as opposed to his (Brian’s) work that was at the bottom of what happened is the first step to intelligent adulthood—a state at which many folks never arrive.
No matter your age or position, the unanswered email, the unreturned phone call, the forgotten whatever often have nothing to do with you, but everything to do with what is happening in the other person’s life.
So before you freak out or get down on a person take the time to find out what’s going on in their world; most of the time you’ll want to cut them some slack.
When discussing or reading about leadership you hear a lot about EQ, AKA, emotional intelligence and SQ, AKA, social intelligence, but what do they really mean?
Social intelligence refers to your knowledge and understanding of other people’s MAP.
To learn more, watch this interview with Daniel Goleman, prolific author and renowned psychologist. Start learning how to use emotional and social intelligence to improve your team’s performance as well as your own, both professionally and professionally.
To get the most out of this post you need to read the prelude to it. It starts with Becky Robinson’s birthday musings that formed the basis of my post Monday and the comments that led to today’s topic. (Please read them if you haven’t already.)
We hear all the time about ‘living up to our potential’.
I know that every time I didn’t do what someone thought I should, I heard about my potential. It became the club-of-choice used by teachers and family to push me, but I don’t take well to being pushed and my reaction was to dig in my heels.
The same ‘club’ had a different effect on many others and became a driving force in their lives.
Different MAP, different reaction.
I didn’t give it much thought until I was in my early twenties and a friend killed himself. The note he left is one of those things you never forget.
“I’m sorry. No matter how hard I try I can’t seem to do what you want. I keep being told to live up to my potential, but no one tells me what that is or what it means. I don’t know how to do it and nothing I tried seems to bring me any closer. This is easier, I won’t have to try any more.”
My friend was a straight A student, cum laude high school grad, full scholarship to a top university, etc., yet he was still being chased with that club.
I’m not suggesting that potential should be quantified because that would limit it, but living up to it shouldn’t be a club or a judgment—it should be an encouragement and incentive.
I read once that the past is a series of paintings that can’t be changed, while the future is a blank canvas on which we dream, but the present is within our grasp.
I believe that each day is a blank canvas; if you live it to its fullest, doing everything as well as possible within the power of who-you-are-today, then your pasts will hold many positive accomplishments, good memories and far more learning experiences than regrets.
To this day, I still hear the potential club, but no outsider can know whether I’ve lived up to mine.
In my response to Becky I said, “Life is about choices; when you look at how far you’ve come you have the choice to see errors or learning experiences; to congratulate yourself on what you did or beat yourself up over what you didn’t.”
I stopped beating myself up the day my friend died, but I didn’t stop striving.
Again, it’s about how you choose to view your past, present and future.
Entrepreneurs face difficulties that are hard for most people to imagine, let alone understand. You can find anonymous help and connections that do understand at 7 cups of tea.
Crises never end.
$10 really does make a difference and you’ll never miss it,
Everyone Can’t Be in Your Front Row
Every day we make choices and, as kids, learning to make wise ones is one on the most important things that should happen as we grow.
Yesterday I shared emails from a reader who, at the end of the day, realized that he was over-reacting, his boss was insanely busy and nothing was wrong.
I want to share a series of email with you today because they show up a very important point and apply to employees at all levels. The emails are from ‘Brian’, an 
We hear all the time about ‘living up to our potential’.
