“We are not made, or unmade, by the things that happen to us but by our reactions to them.” (from a comment on the original post)

I guess everyone has some kind of September 11^th story. I wrote mine in 2009 and am reposting it below.

A Different View of September 11

Much will be done today to commemorate the lives lost on September 11, 2001. The story I’m going to share has a different focus than most and one I believe is worth your time.

Among those who died that day was the husband of a woman I knew casually and because our acquaintance was casual I was surprised when she called nearly six months later.

I’ll call her “Kerry” and we talked for hours, but the kernel I want to share is this.

She needed support to move; not just move on, it was too early for that, but to physically move.

Kerry said the reaction to “Craig’s” death changed when people found out he died in the attack. It changed from sympathy or empathy to an almost macabre interest in how she felt because he died “that way.”

Many seemed to feel that her politics should change (she is ‘liberal moderate’, her words) and that the event should be the main focus not only in her life, but also for her two young daughters and she didn’t want that.

Kerry said she called me because she remembered my saying that I found it sad that John Kennedy Jr.’s life seemed to be defined by his father’s death; that he never was able to become anyone other than the little boy who saluted at the funeral.

Kerry said that she didn’t want her kids to be forever known as “Kristy/Jenny-her-father-was-killed-in-the-September-11-attacks”

The problem was that many of her family and friends were horrified at how she felt. They acted as if losing Craig September 11 made his death a national symbol, not a personal tragedy.

We talked many times over the next few months and the upshot was that Kerry did move far away where no one knew them. When Craig’s death came up in conversation Kerry just said that her husband had died; she said when her daughters were mature enough she would tell them what happened, but not until they had the opportunity for a normal life—not one filled with other people’s baggage.

I think for Kerry I was “the stranger on the plane,” the uninvolved person to whom you can say anything because you will never see or hear from them again and I was honored to play that part.

The death of a parent is always tragic. I know; I was five when the driver of the car in which my father was traveling fell asleep at the wheel and drove off a mountain road.

The point I want to make today is that we don’t forget, but we do move on and as we move we grow and change.

No matter how horrendous the event we all have the ability to choose what defines us and what memories rule our lives.

Never allow others to force you into a role that fits their view of what should define you.

Image credit: Foxtongue

I was reading a post from Mark Suster and I realized that something he said near the end really encompasses the way I try to live.

Life is an informational interview.

Informational interviews are how you learn; they entail talking to people in different walks of life, different positions and different ways of thinking.

Informational interviews require you to come with an open mind and your listening skills fully engaged.

It’s an approach that should flavor all parts of your MAP—reflect in your mindset, inform your attitude and permeate your philosophy.

Try it; you may be surprised, not only at how much you learn, but also how much fun it is.

Flickr image credit: Gangplank HQ

IBM turns 100 this week, which is an impressive birthday for a person or a company, but it’s huge for a company that plays in the high tech world which counts years more like a dog does—seven to one. IBM not only plays, it wins.

It wins by constantly changing itself.

“Its ability to keep on re-inventing itself over the decades has been key to its survival.” –Bob Djurdjevic, of Annex Research

In the late 1980s IBM stumbled badly and over the next few years it became obvious that the stumble could be fatal.

IBM almost died because positive process had morphed into an ossified bureaucracy that was killing innovation.

In 1992, the recession and the company’s failure to keep up with its competitors resulted in a $5 billion loss, more than any U.S. company had ever experienced in a single year.

In 1995 Lou Gerstner was chosen to turn IBM around, but he didn’t focus on products, he focused on culture.

“Until I came to IBM, I probably would have told you that culture was just one among several important elements in any organization’s makeup and success—along with vision, strategy, marketing, financials, and the like… I came to see, in my time at IBM, that culture isn’t just one aspect of the game—it is the game.”

Current IBM CEO Sam Palmisano is still focused on culture.

“I still come to work every day at a company with a unique ability to create — and continually recreate — a culture of innovation.”

The article is interesting, but Lou Gerstner’s book Who Said Elephants Can’t Dance is truly fascinating.

Pick up a copy if you believe in the importance of culture; read it if you don’t—I guarantee it will change your mind.

No person or company lives a century or more without a great culture—one that is strong enough to support the entity and flexible enough to grow and change as the world does.

Fickr image credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/zedbee/103147140/

In my work with entrepreneurs the conversation frequently turns to creativity, the importance of “thinking outside the box” and how to encourage it.

With all the focus on entrepreneurs I thought it was a good time to revisit something I wrote a few years ago.

This is my own theory about boxes.

Everybody has a box.

That’s right and no matter how hard you try you’ll never really think outside it.

The idea that boxes are bad is a function of how you interpret them.

It’s not the box that matters, but its size and how you address that.

Steve Jobs’ and Steven Spielberg’s boxes are immense, far larger than most, yet they both continue to enlarge them.

And therein lays one of the secrets of a creative organization.

It’s not about encouraging your people to “think outside the box,” but about helping each to understand their own box and how to enlarge it.

Use up your box’s content, find its sides, move beyond them, a new box forms and the process begins again.

Because that’s how it works—each time you move outside your box, a new one forms.

If you work at it, this process continues throughout your life—although some never start it and some get comfortable in a certain box and retain it.

The most wonderful thing about boxes is that whether you remain, enlarge or retain, it’s always your choice and within your control to make it happen.

There will always be a box, but with effort you can enlarge it enough to encompass galaxies—and even entire universes.

It’s all yours for the choosing.

What do you do to enlarge your box?

Image credit: NASA

Image credit: Torley on flickr

Image credit: maurice.heuts on flickr

Monday I wrote that so-called leadership skills are actually the skills everyone needs to live a satisfying life and to that end they are well worth developing.

I also said I would share the most important trait of leadership—and life.

It’s Initiative.

Initiative is the number one key leadership ingredient.

More so than vision or influence, it’s initiative that puts you in the forefront of any action, large of small.

Initiative is what

• separates the doers from the observers;
• stokes creativity and innovation;
• drives entrepreneurial activity at all levels; and
• makes the world a better place.

Initiative isn’t about schooling, although education can enhance it; it’s not about birth or clothes or cool. It’s not about networking or connections or followers on Twitter.

It’s about awareness; about noticing what needs to be done and doing it whether or not anybody is around to notice; doing it whether or not there is credit and kudos.

Initiative doesn’t wait for someone else to lead the way, nor does it play Monday morning quarterback to initiative taken by others, instead it actively contributes to that initiative.

Initiative doesn’t wait to occupy a certain position before becoming active, preferring to constantly seek ways in which it can contribute.

I believe that initiative is latent in every person, but it’s up to each individual to make it active.

Image credit: business mans on sxc.hu

The dreaded annual review is on us once again, so I rounded up some great information to help you deal with them.

The second most important thing to know about performance reviews is that using software to write them creates a totally inauthentic experience for your people.

Number one-and-a-half is a great commentary on the stupidity of waiting to apply a retention tourniquet until an employee is frustrated, disgusted and ready to leave.

The most important thing to know about performance reviews is that they should be ongoing conversations throughout the year.

Most managers understand the need to help their people grow and do their best to give them timely feedback—although some do a better job than others. But even the managers who are good at it have trouble when it comes to providing feedback to their top performers, even though they are often the most eager for challenges and growth—neither of which can happen without candid feedback.

Image credit:  MykReeve on flickr

It’s been awhile since I posted one of my rules and this seems like a good time to give you another.

At first look it may seem to be targeted to a teen or twenty-something audience, but I don’t think so.

I think it’s applicable to anyone breathing.

It’s what you learn
after
you know it all
that counts!

Image credit: Mark Brannan on flickr

Visions are the stuff of leaders and must be communicated.

Actually, visions are for everybody, since we each must first lead our self.

Visions go by many names, but whatever you call it—goals, plans, objectives, ambitions, aspirations, purpose, aim—it involves a two-step process.

You need to visualize where you want to go and plan how you’re going to get there.

The first part is your vision, whether you’re Steve Jobs with a vision of the iPod, the child who plays doctor and grows up to be a surgeon, the couple who falls in love and plans a family or the laid-off worker whose purpose is to survive the current mess.

The second part is how to get there. As a wise person once said, “a goal without a plan is a dream” and dreams rarely come true.

Whether you’re a manager, student or parent recognize that your goal/plan/objective/ambition/aspiration/purpose/aim is, in reality, your vision and treat it with the respect it deserves.

1. Write it down;
2. think it through;
3. describe it in detail;
4. determine how to achieve it;
5. write down the steps;
6. commit yourself; and
7. do it.

But while you’re doing it remember that visions aren’t carved in stone, they need to breath and live as you do.

That means you may need to modify, put on hold, or even scrap your vision—but not at the first bump in the road.

Visions are worth fighting for, but rarely worth dying for—even metaphorically.

Think of it this way: Life happens; the world happens; flexibility is part of success—INflexibility paves the road to ruin.

Image credit: Jasmic on flickr