The Value Of Coping
by Miki Saxon
Friday I explained how the Philosophy of ER can help you lead a more satisfying life and achieve more of your goals, especially the big ones. Today I want to share a focus that has helped me bounce back from a variety of things, large, small and even devastating, over the years.
It is the difference between spending large amounts of time and energy arranging your life so nothing can go wrong or trying to fix the people in your world so you won’t be hurt/upset/etc. when they doing whatever as opposed to recognizing that there is nothing you can do that will protect you and spending the same time and energy building your coping skills.
I figured this out on my own when I was five years old and my father was killed. Being the people they were my family and relatives each found their own way to deal with it and I needed to do the same.
And I did.
I knew I couldn’t change what happened, there was nothing I could do that would bring him back. I had to go to school and listen to everyone say how sorry they were without falling apart and making a fool of myself. In other words, I needed to cope with what had happened and because no one could do it for me I did.
As I grew and other things happened I stayed focused on coping with them; most were the small, everyday variety that happen to all of us, while others were large.
The common element was that they were all things that made me fall apart, so I focused my energies on how fast I could put myself back together, because I had come to believe that falling apart was normal.
By the time I was in my twenties I was so good at it that most people who knew me thought nothing could dent me.
Ha! Little did they know, but by then I could fall apart on the first beat and put myself back together by the second.
I wish there was some methodology I could share that would pass the coping skills I have on, but I have found over the years that each person has to develop their own; what works for them.
What I can guarantee is that no matter what you do, you will never constrain your world to run perfectly smoothly with nary a bump or an upset.
But you can build your ability to handle whatever happens; to cope, keep going and deal with everything that life throws at you.
Your comments—priceless
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Image credit: Bah Humbug on flickr
November 2nd, 2009 at 5:16 am
Well done, Miki, and thanks for sharing. By the time I was in my early 20’s I came to the conclusion that life sucks and then you die. Glad to have realized that so young because it actually helped me find true north. The fact is anyone that has made it to your site to read this blog leads a VERY blessed life compared to others living around the world today and to others in the short history of this world. But it is so easy to lose perspective. Thanks! Bret
November 2nd, 2009 at 9:47 am
Hi Bret, good grief, I could feel my head expanding rapidly when I read that compliment! If life didn’t suck at times you wouldn’t appreciate the rest:)
So what is your true north? Not nice to say something that tantalizing and not share the details! Better yet, how about a guest post on finding your true north and any insights for others to find theirs.
November 2nd, 2009 at 11:49 am
Miki — really liked this post. Thanks so much for sharing some of your personal history and also some of your insight and wisdom of how to deal with difficult situations.
November 2nd, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Hi Becky, glad you found it of use, but it’s more “what to do” than “how to do it.” Over the years the one thing I have found holds true is that every person needs to find their own coping mechanisms. Sadly, most of what is written focuses on ‘fixing’ instead of coping. Fixing requires control, which eliminates anything that directly or indirectly involves other people.
November 26th, 2013 at 1:15 am
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