Backlash 2—Internal Guilt
by Miki Saxon(Continuing from yesterday)
Internally generated guilt is probably the most dangerous, debilitating, downright crippling emotional bludgeon we use on ourselves. Because we manufacture it within ourselves, we often don’t recognize the true source, unlike guilt from the outside. Worse still is the guilt we lay upon ourselves for not feeling guilty when society says that we should (been there/done that).
Internal guilt is nothing short of Machiavellian in keeping itself hidden, so it’s often easier to identify it indirectly, which is a fairly simple process. First, follow the steps described yesterday to address whatever obvious sources of outside guilt you’ve identified. Then, rather than wasting energy trying to eradicate every tiny particle from the outside, assume that the rest (majority) of the guilt is internally generated—which, by the way, is usually the case.
Also, know that recognizing the source is the first, longest, and most difficult step for most people.
There’s no way I can address every possible scenario that causes internal guilt—they’re as varied as individual MAP—but these three are the most basic—the ones that our minds tweak and customize in order to have the biggest impact possible—assuring that we stay miserable.
- Scenario 1 woulda/coulda/shoulda: This is probably the most common type, in which you say no—then beat yourself up because you woulda done it if [I’d planned better]; coulda done it if [I’d really pushed myself]; shoulda done it ’cause [I’m reliable].
- Scenario 2 I’m a good/bad person: In this instance, the mental dialog is along the lines that good/nice people don’t say no or that you’re a bad person because you did say no; either way, while the dialog runs, the guilt rushes in nearly drowning you.
- Scenario 3 I like/owe…: This is one of the most difficult, since it’s your emotional self that’s at fault. The guilt generated from thinking, ‘Jean did X for me, but I said no to her.’ or ‘Larry is one of my favorite people and a great friend, but I said no to him.’ is probably the most corrosive form of guilt.
Now for the good stuff—how to short-circuit your internal guilt trip.
1. The minute you find yourself feeling guilty, immediately stop and
2. say whatever you’re thinking out loud, if you don’t have privacy, then write it down, and really listen to the words.
3. Identify which of the above scenarios, or combination, most closely fits what you’re thinking.
4. Do an honest reality check as to whether there was any reasonable way you could have said yes, although the odds are about 1000:1 that there won’t be; if there was a way, then
5. you didn’t actually want to say yes and your guilt is over not feeling guilty for saying no, i.e., you should feel guilty, but don’t.
6. Say your original thought out loud again, but this time in the bluntest language, you can using the applicable scenarios.
7. What you say will be so ridiculous when you hear it that you’ll start laughing.
The analysis works like soap to scrub off the guilt and the laughter will rinse it away.
Repeat as often as necessary. You’ll find that the more often you do it, the less often guilt will rear its ugly head—unless it’s deserved, and in that case the scenarios won’t fit and the steps won’t work.
What you do in the case of deserved guilt is move heaven and earth until you’ve righted the wrong you caused.
Stay tuned, tomorrow is about ways to handle the side effects of guilt.
