Dilbert-like Talk
by Miki SaxonLots of stuff makes the rounds on the Net. In honor of frivolous Friday, and to give examples of what not to do as a manager. Several years ago a contest was run for the best “Dilbert Quotes,” i.e., quotes from real life Dilbert-type managers. One can only hope that the managers quoted have either changed their approach or retired!
Here are the contest finalists:
- “As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.” (This was the winning quote from F. D. at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)
- “What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.” (Lykes Lines Shipping)
- “E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.” (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
- “This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.” (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
- “Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.”
- “No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them.” (R&D supervisor, 3M Corp.)
- “My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn’t edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.” (CIO of Dell Computers)
- “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.” (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
- My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, “That would be better for me.” (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
- “We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.” (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
- We recently received a memo from senior management saying: “This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above.” (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
- One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, “If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!” (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
- Closing paragraph of a nationally circulated memo from a large communications company: “Lucent is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!” (Lucent Technologies)
