Ryan’s solution to getting angry is to respond after he’s slept; the vp in yesterday’s post went somewhere private to cool down before responding.

Both work, but there’s a third way.

The non-tech world already figured it out and the tech world is starting to admit that “move fast and break things” isn’t the smartest approach.

However, there is one good time to break things, although moving fast is optional.

That’s when you’re seriously angry and what may break is you.

Not good.

Instead, break a thing.

Contrary to what a lot of professionals tell you, hitting a ball or even a punching bag, no matter how hard, doesn’t always help.

Why? Because when all is said and done, hitting [whatever] is constructive, not destructive

And destructive feelings are usually immune to constructive action.

Smashing something is different.

Glasses or crockery — dishes, bowls, cups — work best and they’re cheap at garage sales and thrift shops.

The only caveat is to smash safely.

The easiest way is to get a really deep large box (the kind from a washer, dryer, etc.) and smash whatever you are using in that. If it’s too tall to throw straight down stand on a stool.

The important thing is to be able to throw really hard — smash as opposed to break.

First, focus your mind on your anger.

Then focus on the item you plan to smash and transfer your anger to the object.

Then smash it.

The goal is to destroy the feelings along with the object.

The number of items depends on the quantity of anger.

Best of all, it works.

I know.

I had a smashing station in my garage for years.

I don’t need it anymore.

Image credit: Ruth Hartnup

Last year I shared a couple of pretty good Rules at the start of the holiday season.

This year I have another that may ease some of your holiday stress.

Ethel Watts Mumford said, “God gave us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.”

The first part is the root of stress for those people who believe that family should be a constant source of all things good. They twist themselves into pretzels to effect that outcome and tear apart their psyches when it doesn’t materialize.

Worse, they completely ignore the second part of the quote, thus losing the sweet solace of good friendships.

Hugh Kingsmill, a contemporary of Mumford, provided the corollary that many need to let go of the stress of missed expectations and embrace the solution.

Friends are God’s apology for relatives.

Enjoy your friends this holiday season and all year ‘round and, if you are lucky, those relatives who also qualify as friends.

Image credit: briiiiiiiiin

I have a one year old daughter who is delightful, spunky and generally pretty happy. She is also accustomed to a certain standard of living that my wife and I are now trying to change.

Specifically, that standard of living is sleeping in our bed each night. With all of our children we start the first year in our room with a bassinet that is next to our bed. It allows for us to tend to them while keeping them safe and secure as well.

With our twins the system worked where we would feed them through the night, rock them and set them back in the bassinet for more dreamland.

The process started the same for our latest but over time she resisted going to her bassinet and decided she wanted to sleep in our bed. Now my wife and I are of course exhausted and we love her so what’s the harm if she starts sharing the covers?

You would be amazed how much room a 10 month old will take up, they love to stretch and kick and pull hair. They also prevent sound sleep for the parents while doing that.

The time has come that our little lady needs to go to her own room to sleep and this leads us to our current stage of sleep training.

I am not always the best husband, but I will tell you this, if you do not get up when your partner does to tend to baby, you’re wrong. And it lead me to thinking about how this applies to work.

When there are challenges at work or time sensitive events does everyone pitch in or is it a one person show? These moments in time where a lot is on the line tend to show the true colors of your team. When stress hits it’s easy to hide or get away and is tough to stand and face the challenge head on.

How do you react when times are tough? I try to look at each event and learn. Sometimes I make a good decision and sometimes I have an opportunity to improve. However I keep the mindset of always improving to ensure that I don’t crest habits that will lead to negative outcomes.

I am happy to say the culture in my household is generally happy, with the occasional cross word said in the middle of the night

I am making it a point to have that same culture at work, too.

Image credit: Jennifer Gensch

I attended an AA-ISP* event tonight and heard something that struck me, “culture is a reward.” What a profound statement.

I’ll back up and explain what transpired tonight. I am in B2B sales and I have found that I must constantly sharpen my mind.

Sales is, to some degree, a game, but one requiring confidence. There is a lot of rejection and stress. Add to that the fact that most folks view sales as a negative field and it makes for a combustible result. I attended an event tonight that focuses on improving sales and the profession.

With all the negativity that surrounds the role, I have found the absolute opposite when actually at work.

Yes there is rejection, but there is also a lot of positive outcomes. I meet with clients that are trying to solve massively complex problems and I get to somehow help. My clients are usually more knowledgeable than I am, so I also learn something new.

That said, let’s get back to the statement I made earlier regarding culture as a reward.

Have you ever started a job thinking it was one way when it the reality turned out much different?

You felt like you got the rug pulled out from under you? I have and I hated it. The culture was negative and nothing was as it seemed. From the outside it was fine; from inside terrible.

On occasion, though, we luck out.

We stumble across an opportunity that delivers as promised, whether Google or some local shop that has a great team.

Doesn’t it feel like it’s a reward to just go to work? That is it!

A good culture is its own reward. I could not add to it because it is so true.

Now I just need to surround myself with it and never let go. 

* American Association of Inside Sales Professionals
Image credit: GotCredit

It’s amazing to me, but looking back over more than a decade of writing I find posts that still impress, with information that is as useful now as when it was written.

Golden Oldies are a collection of what I consider some of the best posts during that time.

We live in stressful times. Escalating political discord, both in the US and abroad, disappearing jobs due to technology and disruption of those that are left; bullying has reached new heights and FOMO is on the rise — and there is nothing you can do to control any of it. However, it is within your power to choose how you respond to the stress factors in your life.

Read other Golden Oldies here.

Stress is bad, right?

Bad for your health, bad for your relationships, bad for your life.

Or is it?

Actually stress can be a positive motivator.

So perhaps it’s not stress, but how we handle it.

The article may be looking at kids, but kids grow up to be adults and genetic traits come along for the ride.

One particular gene, referred to as the COMT gene, could to a large degree explain why one child is more prone to be a worrier, while another may be unflappable, or in the memorable phrasing of David Goldman, a geneticist at the National Institutes of Health, more of a warrior.

Granted, the researchers were looking at short-term, i.e., competitive stress, but the solution was still the same as it is for stress that lasts longer. (The COMT gene also has a major impact on interviewing.)

They found a way to cope.

For many people stress is the result of losing control.

But if there is anything experience should have taught you by a very early age is that you can’t control your world; not even a tiny part of it.

I learned that lesson as a child of five when my father died and nothing ever happened after that to change my mind.

If you put your energy into controlling stuff to avoid stress you are bound to fail.

Energy spent on control is energy wasted.

Energy focused on coping provides exceptional ROI.

Image credit: Eamon Curry

A Friday series exploring Startups and the people who make them go. Read all If the Shoe Fits posts here

As you know I don’t follow Twitter, but I don’t really have to, since sooner or later, tweet threads that would interest me become the basis of something I read.

A few weeks ago an article in Business Insider cited a series of tweets from VCs moaning about their stressful existence and that saying they needed a support group.

Support group? Really? I haven’t heard of any VC suicides, which isn’t the case with a number of other demographics.

Ron Conway was quick to shoot the need down.

“I’m embarrassed that a VC would think their job is stressful when starting a company is the most stressful thing ever.”

(And while I agree that starting a company is extremely stressful, I don’t think it qualifies for the “most” slot, since doing so is voluntary.)

However, it did give me an idea as follows.

1. Recruit two or more star shrinks and/or get Stanford involved.
2. Create a private online community for VCs (using their company address and fully verified)
3. The site should be heavy on security and use biometrics instead of passwords for logins.
4. The community should be either SaaS or membership dues.
5. Groups should be created for various problems, such as business-related stress, internal politics, family-related stress, etc.
6. Each group session would be moderated by the appropriate shrink.
7. Private sessions would be available by appointment.

Here is the most important part.

1. Incorporate the entity as a non-profit.
2. Pricing should be similar to an exclusive country club.

Here is my reasoning.

• It needs to be expensive to prove its value to its market.
• VCs are competitive and will join for bragging rights.
• It should be non-profit so the money could go towards paying mental health costs for tech community members who can’t afford it and have no insurance.

So, if someone out there wants to take this and run with it as a non-profit, I’ll be happy to help. My contact information is on the right.

Image credit: HikingArtist

Ask most managers and they’ll tell you that they understand their team’s goals and concerns. They see themselves as in sync with their people.

But are they?

Based on a study about stress the difference in perception of cause between workers and managers is more a chasm than a rift.

But what was particularly striking about the findings was the disconnect between what employees and managers perceived: Inadequate staffing was cited by 53% of workers as the major reason for stress, while only 15% of senior managers thought this was so. A third of managers said that access to technology outside of working hours was a cause of stress, but workers disagreed, with only 8% citing it.

Disconnects between managers and workers are never good, but when the subject is something l like stress it can have a major impact on the bottom line.

Stress lowers productivity, hurts creativity and innovation, increase absenteeism, leads to health problems, thus raising health care costs

In short, stress causes and escalates disengagement.

Of those employees claiming high stress levels, 57% said they were disengaged. In contrast, just 10% with low stress levels said they were disengaged.

Obviously, being out of sync with your people costly to both your company and to you, personally.

Join me tomorrow for a look at getting back in sync and other useful information.

Flickr image credit: Fabio Luiz

KG sent me a link to a post in the WSJ by Jason Nazar, co-founder/CEO of Docstoc, which was just acquired by Intuit.

It should be mandatory reading for every budding entrepreneur.

Why?

Because it tells the other side of what’s involved building something with just a four million dollar investment.

The “other side” is about the long days (and nights), the stress and the negative effects on family and friends.

All the stuff that is rarely mentioned and when it is discussed it’s either glossed over and minimized or rationalize to the point that most entrepreneurs shrug it off.

KG understands this well, because he is traveling the same road.

And while you may not be able to ask Jason Nazar questions you can ask KG in the comments and he’ll respond.

Stress is bad, right?

Bad for your health, bad for your relationships, bad for your life.

Or is it?

Actually stress can be a positive motivator.

So perhaps it’s not stress, but how we handle it.

The article may be looking at kids, but kids grow up to be adults and genetic traits come along for the ride.

One particular gene, referred to as the COMT gene, could to a large degree explain why one child is more prone to be a worrier, while another may be unflappable, or in the memorable phrasing of David Goldman, a geneticist at the National Institutes of Health, more of a warrior.

Granted, the researchers were looking at short-term, i.e., competitive stress, but the solution was still the same as it is for stress that lasts longer. (The COMT gene also has a major impact on interviewing.)

They found a way to cope.

For many people stress is the result of losing control.

But if there is anything experience should have taught you by a very early age is that you can’t control your world; not even a tiny part of it.

I learned that lesson as a child of five when my father died and nothing ever happened after that to change my mind.

If you put your energy into controlling stuff to avoid stress you are bound to fail.

Energy spent on control is energy wasted.

Energy focused on coping provides exceptional ROI.

Flickr image credit: Eamon Curry

How many times have you interviewed candidates who performed superbly in multiple interviews, but not once they were hired?

Conversely, have you taken a chance and hired candidates who didn’t interview well, but turned out to be some of your most productive and innovative performers?

Have you wondered why? More importantly, have you wondered how to avoid having this happen or at least have warning that it might?

An article details new brain research that explains what may be going on even though it is focused on kids and test-taking.

It comes down to the genes and brain chemistry that regulates an individual’s response to stress.

The researchers were interested in a single gene, the COMT gene. This gene carries the assembly code for an enzyme that clears dopamine from the prefrontal cortex. That part of the brain is where we plan, make decisions, anticipate future consequences and resolve conflicts. “Dopamine changes the firing rate of neurons, speeding up the brain like a turbocharger,” says Silvia Bunge, associate professor of psychology and neuroscience at the University of California, Berkeley. Our brains work best when dopamine is maintained at an optimal level. You don’t want too much, or too little. By removing dopamine, the COMT enzyme helps regulate neural activity and maintain mental function.

Here’s the thing: There are two variants of the gene. One variant builds enzymes that slowly remove dopamine. The other variant builds enzymes that rapidly clear dopamine. We all carry the genes for one or the other, or a combination of the two.

While you can’t condition the brains of your candidates to respond well to the stress of interviewing, you can provide an environment that allows the “worriers” to perform better and gives a clearer picture of the “warriors” true skills.

To some extent you can level the field by eliminating as much stress as possible for the entire interview process. For instance

• take time to put them at ease;
• avoid two and three-on-one interviews;
• avoid interviewing actions that feel like judgments or tests;
• make the process transparent;
• inform them about the process; and
• avoid surprises.

Lowering interview stress allows the “worriers” to perform better and removes the “warrior’s” edge.

Flickr image credit: Josh Gee Photography