School’s started and this is the year to teach your kids, no matter their age, one of the most important things they need to know for all their life—and it has to do with being “special.”

Here are excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article that illustrates the growing problem of “special.”

“…the culture of praise is reaching deeply into the adult world. Bosses, professors and mates are feeling the need to lavish praise on young adults, particularly twenty-somethings, or else see them wither under an unfamiliar compliment deficit.

Employers are dishing out kudos to workers for little more than showing up. Corporations including Lands’ End and Bank of America are hiring consultants to teach managers how to compliment employees using email, prize packages and public displays of appreciation….

But some researchers suggest that inappropriate kudos are turning too many adults into narcissistic praise-junkies. The upshot: A lot of today’s young adults feel insecure if they’re not regularly complimented….

As he [Bob Nelson, billed as “the Guru of Thank You,”] sees it, those over age 60 tend to like formal awards, presented publicly. But they’re more laid back about needing praise, and more apt to say: “Yes, I get recognition every week. It’s called a paycheck.” Baby boomers, Mr. Nelson finds, often prefer being praised with more self-indulgent treats such as free massages for women and high-tech gadgets for men.

Workers under 40, he says, require far more stroking. They often like “trendy, name-brand merchandise” as rewards, but they also want near-constant feedback. “It’s not enough to give praise only when they’re exceptional, because for years they’ve been getting praise just for showing up,” he says….

So true. At the request of a client, I had the dubious honor of explaining to a 28 year old why he didn’t get a bonus. I started by asking why he thought he deserved one, He said that

• he hadn’t missed a day of work during the year and
• had been on time every day;
• all his assignments were completed on time; and
• he’d done everything exactly as requested.

I spent 20 minutes explaining that 1) the things he listed were his job, what he’d been hired to do and for which, he agreed, he was fairly compensated and 2) the bonus was for people who had

• gone beyond their job description;
• shown imitative; and
• offered help without being asked.

I was lucky, he really listened, actually heard me, not just the words, but the meaning behind them, and understood. He ended our discussion by thanking me and saying that he planned to win a sizable bonus next year.

In the end, ego-stroking may feel good, but it doesn’t lead to happiness, says Jean Twenge, a psychology professor at San Diego State University and narcissism researcher, who has written a book titled Generation Me: Why Today’s Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled — and More Miserable than Ever Before. She would like to declare a moratorium on “meaningless, baseless praise,” which often starts in nursery school. She is unimpressed with self-esteem preschool ditties, such as the one set to the tune of “Frère Jacques”: “I am special/ I am special/ Look at me…”

With older kids-teens, twenties, thirties-start the conversation with this definition from Wikipedia, “Entitlement is a guarantee of access to benefits because of rights, or by agreement through law. It can also refer, in a more casual sense to someone’s belief that he/she is deserving of some particular reward or benefit.[1] It is often used as a negative term in popular parlance (i.e. a ‘sense of entitlement’). The legal term, however, carries no value judgment: it simply denotes a right granted. It was issued in 1965 by President Johnson’s administration. (Note: In 2007, approximately 2/3 of the United States Federal budget consisted of entitlement payments.” )

Help them wrap their minds around the idea that life doesn’t offer entitlements to anyone, then share and discuss the real facts of life:

• They’re special to you, because you’re their parent and you love them.
• They’re special to themselves, because “self” is the only person they will ever truly know or actually have the ability to change.
• They’re not special to others, except as a result of their words, actions and deeds.
• Being special to you and to themselves does not entitle them to special treatment from their teachers, friends, bosses, colleagues, the guy complaining about their loud cell phone conversation at Starbucks or the cop who tickets them for speeding.

• Special isn’t related to self-esteem—self-esteem is grounded in and built from their own efforts and accomplishments.
• Self-esteem entitles them to nothing, but provides the strength to not only survive, but thrive, in today’s world—and tomorrow’s.

With young children you can start now by eliminating empty praise from your home, then teaching them how to recognize it and why to discount it.

Praise what they accomplish and instill in them an appreciation of the real value found in the words, actions, deeds, and contributions, both large and small, that they make in the world.

They may not appreciate your efforts now, but they will be forever grateful as they make their way thought the world as adults.

This entry was posted on Monday, September 10th, 2007 at 4:00 am and is filed under Communication, Leadership's Future, Personal Development. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
Tags: Millennials, special
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