The helicopter mindset is spreading, so that people who are inclined that way are also hovering over spouses, friends and colleagues in the name of helping.
It seems that certain forms of help can dilute recipients’ sense of accountability for their own success.
When managers helicopter most people feel it’s a form of micromanaging, but when the source is a parent, spouse, friend or colleague people are more open to it.
Unfortunately, the results are the same.
People end up with less confidence in their abilities, take less responsibility for their own actions and question their own competence more.
How do you help without either helicoptering or micromanaging?
The answer, research suggests, is that our help has to be responsive to the recipient’s circumstances: it must balance their need for support with their need for competence. We should restrain our urge to help unless the recipient truly needs it, and even then, we should calibrate it to complement rather than substitute for the recipient’s efforts.
Which, in turn, means shutting up and really listening to your child/spouse/friend/colleague to determine the minimum of what is really needed.
Finally, it takes enough self-discipline to allow them to fail and then pick themselves up.
Hovering parents, who strive to make everything right for their child, are the global bane of education.
But it doesn’t seem to end when their child graduates.
I receive at least a call a month from managers who have no idea of a polite way to deal with what can only be called workplace hovering.
In every case the parental call was either to
tell the manager how stupid she was not to hire their kid;
find out why their kid’s review wasn’t stuffed with glowing references; or
ask who the hell the manager thought he was to promote someone else.
Managers say that in many cases the parent was screaming and the language used to describe the manager is best not quotable in a business blog.
What in the world is going on?
Many of the parents calling are managers in their own right; I wonder how they handle similar calls.
I could write another 500 words on the subject and not do nearly as good a job putting the point across as does the following (in spite of it being a hoax)—perhaps a modified version could be designed for companies.
At Stanford, said Julie Lythcott-Haims, the former dean of freshmen, she saw students rely on their parents to set up play dates with people in their dorm or complain to their child’s employers when an internship didn’t lead to a job. (…) Snowplow parents have it backward, Ms. Lythcott-Haims said: “The point is to prepare the kid for the road, instead of preparing the road for the kid.”
In a new poll by The New York Times and Morning Consult of a nationally representative group of parents of children ages 18 to 28, three-quarters had made appointments for their adult children, like for doctor visits or haircuts, and the same share had reminded them of deadlines for school. Eleven percent said they would contact their child’s employer if their child had an issue.
Do you recall how the Boomers complained and blamed their parents generation for the world they were inheriting?
The world they are leaving their kids is in far worse shape, not to mention that they prevented those same kids from gaining the skills they need to deal with it.
It’s amazing to me, but looking back over more than a decade of writing I find posts that still impress, with information that is as useful now as when it was written.
Golden Oldies are a collection of what I consider some of the best posts during that time.
I wrote this post four years ago; the problem wasn’t new then and its gotten progressively worse since.
People today, not just Millennials and not all Millenials, don’t communicate well. People at all ages and levels, including CEOs are poor commicators — and if you doubt that, take a look at Whole Foods CEO John Mackey’s speech at the town hall meeting after the Amazon acquisition. Written communications aren’t much of an improvement, even ignoring grammar and spelling errors, they often have little clarity, flow, or even coherence.
Texting has resulted in still worse writing, especially as people disperse with details like capital letters that can totally change the meaning.
“Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.”
And thanks to the overall focus on STEM education you can expect it to get even worse.
Do you groan at the thought of having to hire and manage new-to-the-workforce people?
Do you wonder what’s wrong with today’s college graduates?
If so, remember two things.
The problems are not a product of your imagination.
You are not alone.
Multiple studies find the same problems I hear first-hand from managers.
“When it comes to the skills most needed by employers, job candidates are lacking most in written and oral communication skills, adaptability and managing multiple priorities, and making decisions and problem solving.” –special report by The Chronicle of Higher Education and American Public Media’s Marketplace
“Problems with collaboration, interpersonal skills, the ability to deal with ambiguity, flexibility and professionalism.” –Mara Swan, the executive vice president of global strategy and talent at Manpower Group
The result is that many new hires require remedial actions from already overloaded mangers that go well beyond the professional growth coaching that typifies the best managers.
“The new smart will be determined not by what or how you know but by the quality of your thinking, listening, relating, collaborating, and learning.” –Ed Hess, Professor of Business Administration and Batten Executive-in-Residence at the Darden Graduate School of Business and co-author of Humility Is the New Smart: Rethinking Human Excellence in the Smart Machine Age,
The new smart will include a high degree of empathy — not a common trait in highly educated men.
A growing real-world demand for workers with empathy and a talent for making other people feel at ease requires a serious shift in perspective. (…) SEL programmes in the US explicitly teach students strategies for developing empathy, managing their own emotions and working with others.
“The need for imagination, a sense of truth, and a feeling of responsibility — these three forces are the very nerve of education.” –Rudolf Steiner
Three of my sister’s grand kids attended the Waldorf in Denver; according to my sister, “Waldorf kids are usually ahead of other kids when they reach regular school. It’s a very impressive regimen they follow.”
There is no argument that education is critical, but is education about learning specifics that fit kids for jobs today or should it be more?
Shouldn’t it, in fact, fit them for the yet-to-be imagined careers of tomorrow.
Put another way, AI can be taught to code, taking programmer jobs in another kind of outsourcing, but, on its own, AI can’t conceptualize what to code.
There are many young millennials employed where I work. Many are unable to navigate the most basic work interactions and have no idea about professional or workplace etiquette. (…) These young folks typically have a very difficult time when faced with any conflict because they have never had to think for themselves or handle difficult life situations by themselves.
What does it take to educate kids to think for themselves in spite of over-involved parents and the world they live in? What is needed to live and work successfully in 2030 and beyond?
A recent Pew Research Center survey of 1,408 technology and education professionals suggested that the most valuable skills in the future will be those that machines can’t yet easily replicate, like creativity, critical thinking, emotional intelligence, adaptability and collaboration. In short, people need to learn how to learn, because the only hedge against a fast-changing world is the ability to think, adapt and collaborate well.
Is that the secret sauce that makes the Ivies so prestigious and expensive? Not really.
St. John’s offers only the Program; it’s prix fixe is a higher education world of a la carte. Four years of literature, language, philosophy, political science and economy, and math. Three years of laboratory science, and two of music. That’s it. No contemporary social studies. No accounting. No computer classes. No distinct majors or minors. (…)
This curriculum is carefully designed not only to build knowledge, but also to understand how knowledge is ultimately created; it is teaching students how to learn. In this respect, St. John’s students de facto major in epistemology. And for those of us who never studied Ancient Greek (a St. John’s requirement for two years), epistemology is the philosophy of knowledge, or the investigation of what distinguishes substantiated and supportable belief from mere opinion.
These are the skills that abound in true leaders, but are feared and despised by pundits, ideologues, despots. politicians, command and control bosses, and others too numerous to list.
Rachel Weinstein, a psychotherapist, and Katie Brunelle, a former elementary school teacher and coach, responded by creating the Adulting School, a place for people to gain the skills they need to feel like an adult, from goal-setting and sheet-fitting to how to manage money or hang a picture.
Simon Senek, a British author and motivational speaker, also blames parents for the false expectations of so many Millennials, who never were given the chance to learn/live the process of achievement.
“Everything you want you can have instantaneously, except for job satisfaction and strength of relationships,” Senek argues. “There’s no app for that; they are slow, meandering, uncomfortable processes.”
Whatever you think about a school that teaches adults how to be adults the real question is: in what direction will the next generation go?
It being October, Becky used a sports analogy, saying the posts are home runs, which they are
However, October means Halloween to me, which is also fitting, considering the number of treats offered and nary a trick to be found.
So without further ado, read, learn and enjoy.
Anne Perschel of Germane Consulting submitted Lead with a Smile and Discover What Happens. Anne shares, “Ed, an Engineering Director, has a habit of mind that immediately sees what could go wrong in any given situation. There’s always something, and often lots of somethings, that could go wrong. But one day, Ed saw the lighter side of a situation, and…read what happened.” Locate Anne on Twitter at @bizshrink.
Bill Treasurer of Giant Leap Consulting contributed Opening the Thought-Shifting Door. Bill writes, ” Leaders need to know how to shift people’s thinking. Real opportunities can be found in convincing people to become imaginative by freeing them from narrow, negative, or habitual thinking. You may be surprised to hear that encouraging thought-shifting is not as difficult or complicated as it may seem.” Follow Bill on Twitter at @btreasurer.
Bruce Harpham of Project Management Hacks submitted How To Lead Virtual Teams. Bruce summarizes, “How do you lead a team that is distributed across the country or across the world? In this article, I share best practices for leaders leading a virtual team including recommended tools.” Discover Bruce on Twitter at @PMPhacks.
Chris Edmonds of the Purposeful Culture Group contributed Where the Human Spirit Goes to Die. Chris describes the post: “Our workplaces – around the globe – are not inspiring, engaging, productive environments for us to work in. Chris sheds light on a study that shows what people need – and how to create it.” Follow Chris on Twitter at @scedmonds.
Dan McCarthy of Great Leadership submitted 10 Ways to Keep Cool and Composed. Dan writes, “When a leader lets their emotions get the better of them they can quickly develop a reputation as volatile, moody, defensive, or having a lack of leadership presence. Unfortunately, all it takes is one public outburst. What can a leader do to keep cool under pressure?” Find Dan on Twitter at @GreatLeadership.
Jesse Lyn Stoner of the Seapoint Center provided Are Your Employees Turning You Into a Helicopter Manager?. Jesse summarized: “What happens when Millennials who are used to ‘helicopter parents’ enter the workforce? You may be turning into a helicopter boss without realizing it. Here’s why, what they really need, and what you can do as a manager.” Follow Jesse on Twitter at @JesseLynStoner.
Jill Malleck of Epiphany at Work contributed Four Ways to Be an Active Leader. Jill shares, “busy leaders can find themselves only responding to this and that. True leadership means shaking it up and making new moves. Here’s 4 easy ways to do that.” Find Jill on Twitter at @epiphanyatwork.
Jim Taggart of Changing Winds submitted Black Swans: The Achilles Heel of Leadership. Jim says, “Wouldn’t it be wonderful if the world were predictable–or at least somewhat predictable? It would certainly make the job of top organizational leaders and politicians in power that much easier. But that’s not how it is; it never has been in fact.” Find Jim on Twitter at @72keys.
Joel Garfinkle of the Career Advancement Blog submitted Is it a Myth? Can you Actually Achieve Work-Life Balance? Joel recaps: “Balancing work and a personal life is becoming an increasingly common problem in today’s hyper-competitive world. Here are ten strategies for creating and maintaining work-life balance.” Discover Joel on Twitter at @JoelGarfinkle.
John Hunter of the Curious Cat Management Improvement Blog provided What to Do To Create a Continual Improvement Culture. John explains, “Leaders must create systems that encourage others to succeed and make the organization more effective. When leaders allow themselves to be removed from what is really going on in the organization they damage the organization. In order to build an organization that inspires people to be creative and engaged a leader needs to build a management system that makes that a reality.” Follow John on Twitter at @curiouscat_com.
Jon Mertz of Thin Difference sent The Diverse Tales of Kickstarter and Volkswagen. Jon sumarizes: “Trust is not an intangible. It’s concrete in what it can do and what it can destroy when misused. What leadership lessons can we learn from these two tales of trust playing out in mainstream media?” Discover Jon on Twitter @ThinDifference.
Mary Jo Asmus of Aspire Collaborative Services, LLC, contributed Meeting them where they are. This post explains: Whatever someone has done that annoys you isn’t relevant in the present moment, and it doesn’t help to judge others by their past behaviors. The secret to better work relationships is to meet others where they are. Find Mary Jo on Twitter at @mjasmus.
Miki Saxon of RampUp Solutions, Inc, contributed Ducks in a Row: The What and How of Culture. Miki continues, “Everybody recognizes that changing culture in a large enterprise is difficult.But why is it that the most critical action required in changing culture is rarely, if ever, mentioned?” Discover Miki on Twitter at @OptionSanity.
Neal Burgis, Ph.D. of Burgis Successful Solutions submitted Believe You are Creative? Neal summarizes: “To be a leader in a creative and innovative organization, you must learn to be creative. Here are some basics to help get you started.” Find Neal on Twitter at @exec_solutions.
Randy Conley of Leading With Trust submitted Your First Five Steps When Leading a New Team. Randy shares: “You only get one chance to make a first impression when taking on a new leadership role, so it’s critically important you start on the right foot. This post provides helpful advice that will get you started on the path to success.” Follow Randy on Twitter at @RandyConley.
Susan Mazza of Random Acts Of Leadership submitted The Alternative to Fixing Poor Performance. Susan explains: “Fixing people is exhausting, because you never will be done. But there’s an alternative: leading people to own their results and holding them accountable for being their best.” Find Susan on Twitter at @susanmazza.
Tanveer Naseer of Tanveer Naseer shared Learning To Focus On What Matters Most. He says this post is, “a look at what leaders need to focus on in order to succeed at motivating their employees in bringing their very best to the work they do.” Follow Tanveer on Twitter at @tanveernaseer.
Do you groan at the thought of having to hire and manage new-to-the-workforce people?
Do you wonder what’s wrong with today’s college graduates?
If so, remember two things.
The problems are not a product of your imagination.
You are not alone.
Multiple studies find the same problems I hear first-hand from managers.
“When it comes to the skills most needed by employers, job candidates are lacking most in written and oral communication skills, adaptability and managing multiple priorities, and making decisions and problem solving.” –special report by The Chronicle of Higher Education and American Public Media’s Marketplace
“Problems with collaboration, interpersonal skills, the ability to deal with ambiguity, flexibility and professionalism.” –Mara Swan, the executive vice president of global strategy and talent at Manpower Group
The result is that many new hires require remedial actions from already overloaded mangers that go well beyond the professional growth coaching that typifies the best managers.
The first major study of tiger moms is out. The kids have worse grades, and they are more depressed and more alienated from their parents. –Slate, May 8, 2013
Did you ever notice that most of today’s research on parenting equates closely with today’s research on managing and, given the difference in situations, results in almost identical outcomes?
When I first read about “tiger moms” I found the actions, such as shaming, very much akin to some of the worst management practices I’ve seen.
Like the negative effects of helicoptering mentioned yesterday, tiger bosses should expect the same negative results from those they manage that new research has proven results from tiger parents.
Children of parents whom Kim classified as “tiger” had lower academic achievement and attainment—and greater psychological maladjustment—and family alienation, than the kids of parents characterized as “supportive” or “easygoing.”
OF course, this comes as no surprise to anyone who works/worked for a tiger boss.
Entrepreneurs face difficulties that are hard for most people to imagine, let alone understand. You can find anonymous help and connections that do understand at 7 cups of tea.
Crises never end.
$10 really does make a difference and you’ll never miss it,
Helicopter parents are a serious problem that cripples kids and doesn’t seem to end when they enter the workforce; plus it can have a detrimental effect on good managers.
——-> 
Do you groan at the thought of having to hire and manage new-to-the-workforce people?
Did you ever notice that most of today’s research on parenting equates closely with today’s research on managing and, given the difference in situations, results in almost identical outcomes?
