Sometimes — more like most of the time or at least too often — we all say things without thinking through the full ramifications, especially those gleaned from experiences we’ve never had or opposed to what we think.
Yesterday I mentioned a startup CEO who said he was concerned about hiring more women, “It just seems like such a huge risk as CEO,” which brought the social media house down on him.
Although he apologized, etc., I noted that his words and actions probably didn’t do much to change his mind.
After reading the post a friend from back east wrote me his thoughts as a man-of-color/founder/CEO.
Sadly, everything he says is true and has been for decades — and I say that from first-hand other-side experience.
In the 80s and 90s I was three things that weren’t supposed to align: a successful tech (hdwr and sftwr) recruiter who was female.
Back then it was assumed that, as a woman, I acquired most of my clients in the same way Hollywood starlets got parts — on my back.
But, as I always said, if that were true I wouldn’t have had time to go to the office, let alone recruit anyone.
Here is the email; my only editorial change was to delete the name of the incubator.
Miki,
When I expressed skepticism regarding real change, you said that it’s better because now people are speaking about it. I replied that it will probably be worse for women in general, because now they will be seen as a risk factor. Unfortunately this is my own experience — I am afraid of mentoring women because they will often take it the wrong way, as several have interpreted my well-meaning advances as attempted pickup. It’s just not worth it.
Most recently, I saw a young black woman at an incubator I was visiting and decided to pay attention to her in a purely social way to make her feel welcomed. There were NO black people there, and since I am viewed as somewhat of a star and important, I believed it would be a boost for her. I never had a conversation with her, and the contact stayed on the level of smiles, fist bumps, etc.
While I was in SF, I received an invitation to a Y-Combinator invite-only event on women and leadership that I could not attend. I approached the woman and told her about the event and asked if she was interested in going. She said, “Absolutely!” and I said — “Send me your email and I’ll introduce you to the people who are leading this effort within YC.” She wrote her email address on a piece of paper and I made the introduction.
Unfortunately her email bounced. I tried several different approaches. Then I went to her a few days after the event and said that I tried to make the introduction, and that her email had bounced. She looked at the piece of paper that she’d written her email on and confirmed it was incorrect without correcting it.
It then dawned upon me that she’d purposely provided me with the wrong email address, probably because she interpreted my friendliness as sexual advances. The sad thing is that I subsequently observed her whispering with other women and looking over at me, and that other women were avoiding contact with me.
I then resolved that it’s just not worth it. I’m never going to make friendly advances to a woman in a work situation in the US again.
I do it all over the world, and have mentored men and women in Europe, Asia, Latin America and the US, but here is the only area where I’ve had negative experiences doing so with women (several). I’ve never had, or been interested in, a sexual relationship with any woman at work, in any country where I’ve worked or lived (except my partner who was my teenage girlfriend).
The inflamed, sexualized nature of everything regarding female/male relationships in the US work environment does much to damage women’s advancement.
Which men will take the risk of staying late to mentor a woman after everyone has left the office — not me. Which men will take a woman out for drinks to have an informal chat about the politics at work — not me.
Which men will associate informally and socially outside of work with women they work with — not me. The reputational risk is simply too great.
Who is the loser? Obviously both men and women, since there is greatness among them both.
Culturally it is more difficult to mentor women in the US than in Pakistan. Who would have thought…
The following came as a PS about an hour later.
Sexual advances are something most women, and some men, have to learn to deal with.
This has always been the case, and there have always been successful women. There are more successful women now than ever before.
The worst thing that can happen is to scare away the men that genuinely mean well.
Haven’t you ever asked yourself why women in more misogynistic societies are surpassing US women in societal and professional advancement to an increasing degree?
May it be because there is no cost to supporting women for those men who choose to do so? In fact, there is often great benefit, as they will have access to a more motivated and competent pool of people.
All that said, I am not recommending turning a blind or benign eye to the kind of behavior and toxic cultures that have been making headlines.
Image credit: VEX Robotics
