Conscious decisions made as the result of real conversations lead to better outcomes.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a boss and worker, colleagues, friends, parent and child, romantic liaison, or a marriage.

Relationships are the result of two people interacting together.

Relationships can be over in an instant or last a lifetime, but those that last longest have one thing in common.

Communication.

Decisions are founded on the ability to communicate

Call it the difference between just happening and intentional decisions.

New research shows that how thoughtfully couples make decisions can have a lasting effect on the quality of their romantic relationships. (…) “Making decisions and talking things through with partners is important,” said Galena K. Rhoades, a relationship researcher at the University of Denver and co-author of the report. “When you make an intentional decision, you are more likely to follow through on that.”

Although the research described in the article is focused on marriages, it can be applied just as well to the workplace.

In short, creating strong relationships, at work or away, requires the kind of good communications that lead to intentional decisions.

And it all starts by knowing yourself.

“At the individual level, know who you are and what you are about, and make decisions when it counts rather than letting things slide,” Dr. Stanley said. “Once you are a couple, do the same thing in terms of how you approach major transitions in your relationship.”

Try it; I believe you’ll find that the results make it worth the time and effort.

Flickr image credit: Katy Ereira

This Rule has two parts. They come from different sources, but taken together they will change your life.

The first half is from Alan Kay.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

The second is from Anonymous.

One good wish changes nothing; one good decision changes everything.

Well, what are you waiting for?

Flickr image credit: evan p. cordes

There are many recommended behaviors that most of us follow, but to which we give little thought. They are accepted as common wisdom, but are they? Today’s links are to articles that question that “common wisdom,” but before you dump them give thought to whether you should and how you would implement the changes.

Politeness is something we are raised with; even in these days of total candor people often tend to wrap criticism and other critical communication in a blanket of politeness—but is that good?

Politeness can become problematic, however, when it causes us to sacrifice clarity. … Even worse, say the authors, it takes more of our cognitive resources to process these kinds of polite statements.

Along the same lines, but far blunter, is this advice that says you should criticize in public, across the whole company, to avoid repetition by others and to ‘toughen’ your employees. My own reaction is that very few companies have the culture or managers the skill to do this effectively.

“When somebody does something wrong, you correct him or her individually and then one person learns that lesson. Or you can send an email to the whole company and the whole company learns that lesson. …to survive in that environment, you have to develop a soft shell but a very hard core. You have to be able to take those hits…If you make it through, you’re unbelievably strong.”

More contrary advice comes from research into envy, showing that it actually has positive effects, with one negative that is very new. (I wrote about ego depletion here.)

They were apparently victims of what psychologists call “ego depletion,” a state of mental fatigue originally documented in people whose energy was depleted by performing acts of self-control. Now it looks as if envy depletes that same resource.

Finally, a note about the importance of showers in creative thinking and why you need to create spaces in your day for the “creative pause” that a shower represents.

There’s something about showering that tends to spawn new ideas which may not occur otherwise. …a model for the “creative pause” — the shift from being fully engaged in a creative activity to being passively engaged, or the shift to being disengaged altogether.

Enjoy!

Flickr image credit: pedroelcarvalho

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about Roy F. Baumeister’s research showing how decision fatigue affects hiring, self-control and is tied to ego-depletion.

Self-control and will power aren’t traits you as much about as you did when I was a kid; these days the focus is on instant gratification, whether it’s a child demanding a treat, an adult looking for a new job or you-name-it.

The question really boils down to whether self-control really offers significant long-term benefits?

Benefits that are substantial enough to stand up to the embarrassing tantrum your child pitches when she doesn’t get what she wants?

In experiments beginning in the late 1960s, the psychologist Walter Mischel tormented preschoolers with the agonizing choice of one marshmallow now or two marshmallows 15 minutes from now. When he followed up decades later, he found that the 4-year-olds who waited for two marshmallows turned into adults who were better adjusted, were less likely to abuse drugs, had higher self-esteem, had better relationships, were better at handling stress, obtained higher degrees and earned more money.

Impressive; certainly enough to at least get parents to think about showing some backbone and helping their kids learn self-control.

But what about those of us who are Millennials, Gen Xers and Boomers? Is our situation hopeless? Are we destined/doomed to careen through life without those benefits if we don’t already have them?

Fear not. According to other research by Baumeister your self-control, AKA, will power, can be toned by exercising it, just like any other muscle—and he wrote a book about it.

In recent years the psychologist Roy F. Baumeister has shown that the force metaphor has a kernel of neurobiological reality. In “Willpower,” he has teamed up with the irreverent New York Times science columnist John Tierney to explain this ingenious research and show how it can enhance our lives.

Wow; buff self-control.

How cool is that?

UPDATE: I just read this article about SpongeBob, which adds an interesting kicker to the research.

In another test, measuring self-control and impulsiveness, kids were rated on how long they could wait before eating snacks presented when the researcher left the room. “SpongeBob” kids waited about 2 1/2 minutes on average, versus at least four minutes for the other two groups.

Image credit: Kirkus Reviews

This article on decision fatigue should be mandatory reading for every manager and worker looking to boost group performance or their own.

It provides scientific explanations why

• interviews are more difficult if you struggled that morning with decisions about what to wear and the best route to the company;
• the wrong candidate is hired and the real catch gets away;
• getting married often lowers productivity (not the reasons you might expect);
• skipping lunch is as bad as skipping breakfast (which is just plain stupid);
• having snacks available and buying dinner when working late is required and
• timing meetings and other critical tasks can make a significant difference.

Decision fatigue is the price every human pays for the multitude of choices we face daily; not just the obvious big ones, but every tiny fork in the road.

“No matter how rational and high-minded you try to be, you can’t make decision after decision without paying a biological price.”

Moreover, decision fatigue is a major contributor to ego depletion.

“…ego-depleted humans become more likely to get into needless fights over turf. In making decisions, they take illogical shortcuts and tend to favor short-term gains and delayed costs.”

Not exactly the actions you want in yourself or your people.

The focus on food is obvious once you think about it. Most people know you can’t exercise without providing fuel for their muscles, but seem to think their mind runs on air and desire.

“…psychologists neglected one mundane but essential part of the machine: the power supply. The brain, like the rest of the body, derived energy from glucose…”

Decision fatigue also impacts self-control, AKA willpower, and self-control has a large role in keeping us focused.

Read the article; it provides a scientific basis for creating a culture that helps people deal with decision fatigue and all its ramifications.

“When there were fewer decisions, there was less decision fatigue.”

The solutions lie in an open exploration of the subject with your people and a conscious effort to provide an environment that minimizes the effects of decision fatigue.

“The best decision makers are the ones who know when not to trust themselves.” – Lead researcher Roy F. Baumeister, social psychologist

Flickr image credit: ZedBee | Zoë Power