Your Brain When They Complain
by Miki Saxon
I met “Sue” (not her real name) in the late 1990s when I lived in San Francisco and we were friends for more than a decade.
Perhaps I should say that she considered me her best friend, “like a sister,” while I considered her more of a long-term acquaintance.
Why the difference?
Because while I listened to her difficulties, offered support and advice when requested there was little reciprocation and less empathy coming my way.
What escalated over the years were the complaints.
Complaints about people, situations, problems; many were real, while some were self-made—the result of her own actions.
She had no interest in brainstorming solutions, didn’t bother sharing the positive things that did happen and when I mentioned them she would rant on that they were too little and cite every negative about them.
As the complaining increased my desire to interact decreased.
When she questioned my withdrawal I told her that I had enough challenges in my own life and her negativity was exacerbating them she accused me of not caring or making any effort to understand what she was going through.
Knowing the challenges and real horrors Sue has overcome in her life I have enormous respect for her, but that didn’t outweigh my desire to eliminate the negativity from my life and earlier this year I severed connections with her.
All this flashed in my mind as I read an article by Trevor Blake in Inc.
Even worse, being exposed to too much complaining can actually make you dumb. Research shows that exposure to 30 minutes or more of negativity–including viewing such material on TV–actually peels away neurons in the brain’s hippocampus. “Typically, people who are complaining don’t want a solution; they just want you to join in the indignity of the whole thing. You can almost hear brains clink when six people get together and start saying, ‘Isn’t it terrible?’ This will damage your brain even if you’re just passively listening. And if you try to change their behavior, you’ll become the target of the complaint.” the part of your brain you need for problem solving,” he says. “Basically, it turns your brain to mush.”
It confirmed all my gut reactions, the mental effects I felt and that I’d done the right thing in severing the relationship—even though I did it years later than I should have.
Read the article (it’s short) and then apply as needed—you will be amazed at the quality-of-life difference it will make.
Flickr image credit: foxtongue
August 22nd, 2012 at 11:57 am
No wonder I’ve lost my mind . . . spend my time around negative people too much!
August 22nd, 2012 at 12:02 pm
Well, you can’t fire them all, but you could share the article with them and discuss it during a departmental meeting. The complaining is affecting all of them, so it makes sense to brainstorm how to reduce it. Do a bit more research on the subject so yu have additional resources for them to read and suggest everyone bring approaches to reduce brain-mush to the next meeting.
April 16th, 2014 at 5:32 pm
[…] Present a problem and your proposed solution together: you need to hear about every difficulty and challenge your team faces, but it’s better to encourage your people to think them through and present possible solutions along with the problem, instead of having them come across like complaints. […]
July 7th, 2014 at 1:17 am
[…] years ago I told you how reading a story by Trevor Blake in Inc led me to terminate a 10+ year “friendship” because of the constant […]