September 11th Redux
by Miki Saxon“We are not made, or unmade, by the things that happen to us but by our reactions to them.” (from a comment on the original post)
I guess everyone has some kind of September 11th story. I wrote mine in 2009 and am reposting it below.
A Different View of September 11
Much will be done today to commemorate the lives lost on September 11, 2001. The story I’m going to share has a different focus than most and one I believe is worth your time.
Among those who died that day was the husband of a woman I knew casually and because our acquaintance was casual I was surprised when she called nearly six months later.
I’ll call her “Kerry” and we talked for hours, but the kernel I want to share is this.
She needed support to move; not just move on, it was too early for that, but to physically move.
Kerry said the reaction to “Craig’s” death changed when people found out he died in the attack. It changed from sympathy or empathy to an almost macabre interest in how she felt because he died “that way.”
Many seemed to feel that her politics should change (she is ‘liberal moderate’, her words) and that the event should be the main focus not only in her life, but also for her two young daughters and she didn’t want that.
Kerry said she called me because she remembered my saying that I found it sad that John Kennedy Jr.’s life seemed to be defined by his father’s death; that he never was able to become anyone other than the little boy who saluted at the funeral.
Kerry said that she didn’t want her kids to be forever known as “Kristy/Jenny-her-father-was-killed-in-the-September-11-attacks”
The problem was that many of her family and friends were horrified at how she felt. They acted as if losing Craig September 11 made his death a national symbol, not a personal tragedy.
We talked many times over the next few months and the upshot was that Kerry did move far away where no one knew them. When Craig’s death came up in conversation Kerry just said that her husband had died; she said when her daughters were mature enough she would tell them what happened, but not until they had the opportunity for a normal life—not one filled with other people’s baggage.
I think for Kerry I was “the stranger on the plane,” the uninvolved person to whom you can say anything because you will never see or hear from them again and I was honored to play that part.
The death of a parent is always tragic. I know; I was five when the driver of the car in which my father was traveling fell asleep at the wheel and drove off a mountain road.
The point I want to make today is that we don’t forget, but we do move on and as we move we grow and change.
No matter how horrendous the event we all have the ability to choose what defines us and what memories rule our lives.
Never allow others to force you into a role that fits their view of what should define you.
Image credit: Foxtongue
September 12th, 2011 at 1:14 pm
Bravo Miki – I appreciated this different kind of survival story from that date! I think this mother is making the correct choice for her daughters! It is good to remember the past and learn and grow from it but it is not good to live there.
September 12th, 2011 at 1:56 pm
Thanks, Julie.
It’s interesting; for every person who reacts as you did to this story there are at least five others who are horrified by it.
September 12th, 2011 at 2:40 pm
Yes everyone is different which is what makes the world interesting I guess. I have a friend who’s parent died 15 years ago and they get depressed and mourn for a week every year before the date.
I on the other hand do not even remember the exact date my mother died 23 years ago and I do not annually mourn her passing. I prefer to celebrate the beautiful memories of her when she were alive and that is what I choose to remember at all times of the year.
September 12th, 2011 at 8:50 pm
I relate, but you remember more than I do. I have no idea how long since my mom died (more than 15, probably less than 25) and I have no comparable memories. (She wasn’t bad or mean, just herself:)
I grew up as the kid-whose-father-was-dead and the pressure to act the way others thought I should was incredible.
I guess I seriously bought into what one of my aunts always said, “life is for the living” and, as you pointed out earlier, shouldn’t be defined by death.
September 13th, 2011 at 6:10 am
If my daughter hadn’t been born 5 months before my mother died I’m sure I would have trouble remembering the year too!
September 13th, 2011 at 10:11 am
That reminds me that mine died a few days before my birthday, but no idea of which one.
September 11th, 2012 at 1:17 am
[…] I’ve previously shared my personal September 11 story, so rather than review and rehash what’s already been said more eloquently about the tragedy by others I have a question. […]