Humblebragging (a brag veiled in a complaint, so as to sound less blatantly like a brag) has to be near the top of today’s more annoying trends.

It’s not really new; I’ve heard similar phrasing for decades, but it was much more rare.

It’s common now, but if you indulge you’ll do yourself more harm than good.

Humblebragging runs rampant on Twitter, but it turns out to be a lousy self-promotion tactic, especially in business situations such as job interviews… Research shows that when given the choice to brag or to humblebrag, it’s better to straight-out brag.

The research described is interesting, because it’s easy to remember being on the receiving end of similar situations allowing you to compare your own reactions to those in the study.

Humblebragging is a close relative of hints that are usually in the form of a poor-me complaint.

We’ve all been on the receiving end of “I don’t know how I can…” which practically forces an “I will help…” response.

An extended family aunt of mine was a past master of this approach, so I learned early on to recognize the words for what they were — manipulation.

Both humblebrags and hints annoy because they are inauthentic and sneaky.

But there is humor to be found when you realize that the worst practitioners are those most offended when others do it.

Flickr image credit: Area 224

Five years ago I told you how reading a story by Trevor Blake in Inc led me to terminate a 10+ year “friendship” because of the constant negativity.

Even worse, being exposed to too much complaining can actually make you dumb. Research shows that exposure to 30 minutes or more of negativity–including viewing such material on TV–actually peels away neurons in the brain’s hippocampus.  “Typically, people who are complaining don’t want a solution; they just want you to join in the indignity of the whole thing. You can almost hear brains clink when six people get together and start saying, ‘Isn’t it terrible?’ This will damage your brain even if you’re just passively listening. And if you try to change their behavior, you’ll become the target of the complaint.” the part of your brain you need for problem solving,” he says. “Basically, it turns your brain to mush.”

I recently terminated another long-term friendship for the same reason.

In the original post I ended by saying, “…I’d done the right thing in severing the relationship—even though I did it years later than I should have.”

Obviously I didn’t learn the first time or I wouldn’t have waited so long.

There’s an old saying, “the first time you [whatever] is experience; the second time it’s a mistake, but the third time it’s stupidity.”

I had the experience; now I’ve made the mistake.

Hopefully I won’t hit stupidity any time soon (or later).

Anonymous email image

A Friday series exploring Startups and the people who make them go. Read all If the Shoe Fits posts here

David Strickland, administrator of the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, may not have the kind of background you typically look to as a role model.

In this short interview he talks about the attitudes and approaches that worked for him.

I think three of the most important points he makes are in bold with my added commentary.

• Learn to disagree without being disagreeable: disagreeable refers to much more than hostility, anger and raised voices; it includes, but is not limited to, eye rolls, glares, sniffs, snickers, snarky responses and martyred expressions.
• Present a problem and your proposed solution together: you need to hear about every difficulty and challenge your team faces, but it’s better to encourage your people to think them through and present possible solutions along with the problem, instead of having them come across like complaints.
• You are not bigger than the mission: even if you’re the founder. Once other people buy into your vision the mission becomes larger. You are not the sun; decisions should be based on what is best for the mission, whether or not they are best for you.

You’ve probably heard them before, but that doesn’t mean they sank in or that you are practicing them.

I find many younger entrepreneurs tend to write off people like Strickland, because of his age, experience or work; they prefer role models from their peers or with high profiles.

More fools they.

Option Sanity™ supports the mission.

Come visit Option Sanity for an easy-to-understand, simple-to-implement stock allocation system.  It’s so easy a CEO can do it.

Warning.
Do not attempt to use Option Sanity™ without a strong commitment to business planning, financial controls, honesty, ethics, and “doing the right thing.”
Use only as directed.
Users of Option Sanity may experience sudden increases in team cohesion and worker satisfaction. In cases where team productivity, retention and company success is greater than typical, expect media interest and invitations as keynote speaker.

Flickr image credit: HikingArtist

I met “Sue” (not her real name) in the late 1990s when I lived in San Francisco and we were friends for more than a decade.

Perhaps I should say that she considered me her best friend, “like a sister,” while I considered her more of a long-term acquaintance.

Why the difference?

Because while I listened to her difficulties, offered support and advice when requested there was little reciprocation and less empathy coming my way.

What escalated over the years were the complaints.

Complaints about people, situations, problems; many were real, while some were self-made—the result of her own actions.

She had no interest in brainstorming solutions, didn’t bother sharing the positive things that did happen and when I mentioned them she would rant on that they were too little and cite every negative about them.

As the complaining increased my desire to interact decreased.

When she questioned my withdrawal I told her that I had enough challenges in my own life and her negativity was exacerbating them she accused me of not caring or making any effort to understand what she was going through.

Knowing the challenges and real horrors Sue has overcome in her life I have enormous respect for her, but that didn’t outweigh my desire to eliminate the negativity from my life and earlier this year I severed connections with her.

All this flashed in my mind as I read an article by Trevor Blake in Inc.

Even worse, being exposed to too much complaining can actually make you dumb. Research shows that exposure to 30 minutes or more of negativity–including viewing such material on TV–actually peels away neurons in the brain’s hippocampus.  “Typically, people who are complaining don’t want a solution; they just want you to join in the indignity of the whole thing. You can almost hear brains clink when six people get together and start saying, ‘Isn’t it terrible?’ This will damage your brain even if you’re just passively listening. And if you try to change their behavior, you’ll become the target of the complaint.” the part of your brain you need for problem solving,” he says. “Basically, it turns your brain to mush.”

It confirmed all my gut reactions, the mental effects I felt and that I’d done the right thing in severing the relationship—even though I did it years later than I should have.

Read the article (it’s short) and then apply as needed—you will be amazed at the quality-of-life difference it will make.

Flickr image credit: foxtongue