Every day we make choices and, as kids, learning to make wise ones is one on the most important things that should happen as we grow.

But it doesn’t always happen.

The great thing is that you can change and learn to make good choices at any time in your life—it is an integral part of leading yourself.

One of the most important choices anyone makes is found in the people they choose to have as part of their life.

Although I could write my own ideas of what that means, I’d like to share something I received from a friend. I can’t find who the author is, so I’ll credit the prolific Anon.

Everyone Can’t Be in Your Front Row

Life is a theater – invite your audience carefully. Not everyone is spiritually healthy and mature enough to have a front row seat in our lives. There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance.

It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you let go, or at least minimize your time with draining negative, incompatible, not-going-anywhere relationships/friendships/fellowships!

Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention to: Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?

Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill?

When you leave certain people, do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don’t really understand, know and appreciate you and the gift that lies within you? When you seek growth, peace of mind, love and truth, the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the FRONT ROW and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

You cannot change the people around you…but you can change the people you are around! Choose wisely the people who sit in the front row of your life.

Copy the last sentence and tape it to your monitor and the bathroom mirror; forward the post to every person you care about—not with a lecture, but with a hug; discuss it’s meaning with your kids—they are never too young to learn this.

Take a long, hard look at who sits in your front row; if you don’t want them there you don’t need to have a major confrontation, just quietly lower their priority in your life and assign them to a seat at the back—even if they have you in their front row.

I know that I’m in the front row of several people who sit in the rear of my audience, but I say nothing, because nothing would be gained. They would be deeply hurt for no reason; they have little-to-no impact on me because they are far back and where they choose to seat me is none of my business.

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Much will be done today to commemorate the lives lost on September 11, 2001. The story I’m going to share has a different focus than most and one I believe is worth your time.

Among those who died that day was the husband of a woman I knew casually and because our acquaintance was casual I was surprised when she called nearly six months later.

I’ll call her “Kerry” and we talked for hours, but the kernel I want to share is this.

She needed support to move; not just move on, it was too early for that, but to physically move.

Kerry said the reaction to “Craig’s” death changed when people found out he died in the attack. It changed from sympathy or empathy to an almost macabre interest in how she felt because he died “that way.”

Many seemed to feel that her politics should change (she is ‘liberal moderate’, her words) and that the event should be the main focus not only in her life, but also for her two young daughters and she didn’t want that.

Kerry said she called me because she remembered my saying that I found it sad that John Kennedy Jr.’s life seemed to be defined by his father’s death; that he never was able to become anyone other than the little boy who saluted at the funeral.

Kerry said that she didn’t want her kids to be forever known as “Kristy/Jenny-her-father-was-killed-in-the-September-11-attacks”

The problem was that many of her family and friends were horrified at how she felt. They acted as if losing Craig September 11 made his death a national symbol, not a personal tragedy.

We talked many times over the next few months and the upshot was that Kerry did move far away where no one knew them. When Craig’s death came up in conversation Kerry just said that her husband had died; she said when her daughters were mature enough she would tell them what happened, but not until they had the opportunity for a normal life—not one filled with other people’s baggage.

I think for Kerry I was “the stranger on the plane,” the uninvolved person to whom you can say anything because you will never see or hear from them again and I was honored to play that part.

The death of a parent is always tragic. I know; I was five when the driver of the car in which my father was traveling fell asleep at the wheel and drove off a mountain road.

The point I want to make today is that we don’t forget, but we do move on and as we move we grow and change.

No matter how horrendous the event we all have the ability to choose what defines us and what memories rule our lives.

Never allow others to force you into a role that fits their view of what should define you.

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Today’s post is what is called “short and sweet.” I could have written far more, but I felt that the real message would be lost in the excess verbiage.

“I didn’t know…” is America’s favorite excuse, although it won’t hold up in a court of law; ignorantia legis neminem excusat (ignorance of the law excuses no one) dates back to Roman times.

The operative word is ‘know’, because, unfortunately, there’s a lot of latitude in what one chooses to know.

People don’t know anything that

• disagrees with their ideology or world-view;
• is presented by the opposition or those with whom they disagree;
• conflicts with their personal goals/agenda; or is
• inconvenient or annoying.

If you want to live or love successfully then you need to choose to know; it’s your responsibility to not just listen, but also to hear past all four barriers.

Image credit: Andrew Bossi on Wikipedia Commons

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What do you talk about in your life?

What do you go to bed thinking about; what dominates your dreams; what do you ponder during the day?

Your aches and pains; the gray hair you found; the new outfit you bought, but aren’t sure is right? Do you dwell on the words or email that may be a slight—or maybe not? The colleague you’re not sure likes you; the boss who seems OK, but…?

It’s more than a matter of the glass being half full or half empty.

Like the dog that worries a bone, constantly thinking and talking about anything focuses you on it; prioritizes it and makes it paramount until it dominates all other thoughts.

Focus works in both directions—it can launch you to the heights or toss you into a dungeon of doom—taking your friends with you.

Most importantly…

Focus is a choice.

Choose wisely.

Image credit: LilGoldWmn on sxc.hu

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One of the greatest mistakes that managers make is buying into the belief that being in charge means being in control.

Both views start before that first promotion and are influenced by how they are managed and their reaction to it.

As with kids who are raised by a compulsive neat nick, they typically grow up either emulating that trait or totally rebel and become slobs.

Being in charge means taking responsibility for the myriad of things needed to accomplish the goals assigned to their group. That includes the actual goals, acquisition of new talent, care, feeding and professional growth of the team, maintenance and improvement of the physical environment, culture and anything else that comes up.

Control leads down a different path—one geared to power, restriction, manipulation, domination and even oppression.

Yes, the managers you had before promotion influence you, but it is your MAP (mindset, attitude, philosophy™) that makes the choice of which road to follow—just because you work for Attila The Hun doesn’t mean you have to do it the same way.

And even if you did head down the control path that doesn’t mean you have to stay on it the rest of your days.

You can change; you can always change; like an alcoholic who chooses sobriety you can choose to go from controlling your team to being in charge of it.

If you do make that choice expect to find yourself working less and accomplishing more; having more fun and achieving greater personal satisfaction; having less turnover and receiving better reviews and being the manager for whom everyone wants to work.

Image credit: sundstrom on sxc.hu

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“The past is the present, isn’t it? It’s the future, too.” Long Day’s Journey Into Night, Eugene O’Neill

I recently ran across this quote; it’s been years since I read the play, but that poignant line, with its message that what has been is and irrevocably will be has always left me feeling depressed and angry.

Depressed because it revokes hope.

Angry because it’s the antithesis of everything I believe.

It proclaims that we, whether individuals, organizations or countries, can’t change; that we are locked on our trajectory with no rudder and an endless supply of fuel.

That thought represents a type of MAP (mindset, attitude, philosophy™) I’ve constantly rejected, while embracing the belief that anyone can change if they choose to make the effort.

Not that it’s simple or that it’s easy, but that it can be done.

I’ve done it and am in the process of doing it again.

You’ve done it and can choose to do it again.

Whether you choose an opportunity or pass it by, each one changes the present and alters the future, because your MAP changes with each decision.

Not necessarily large changes, but changes none the less and those changes will impact your next decision and so on throughout life.

But you can avoid changes by embracing a rigid ideology that eliminates decisions by turning a blind eye of all divergent opportunities or by allowing someone else to decide for you in the name of followership.

What are you going to do?

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Do you have a nickname? I’ll bet you also have a nicktitle—do you know it?

There’s an unwritten equation that who you are (your MAP) = what you do = what you’re called.

When you’re at the top of a company you’re called ‘CEO’.

But what’s the nicktitle? What does CEO mean these days?

When it comes to business titles people are creative and the variations are numerous and telling.

Here’s a tiny sample of what I’ve heard from people when asked to define ‘CEO’ based on what they read and their own experience.

On one hand you have

• Conceited Egomaniacal Overlord;
• Caddish Elitist Obstructionist;
• Controlling Embarrassing Obsessor;

and on the other you have

• Concerned Energetic Overachiever
• Caring Enabling Oddity
• Charismatic Enterprising Optimizer

and in-between you have thousands of variations.

What’s nicktitle?

If you don’t like your own it then it’s time to change your actions, which means changing your MAP.

And whether you consider that good or bad news, the main point never changes—it’s your choice.

For the sake of your staff, family, friends and other stakeholders I hope you choose wisely and well!

Image credit: Marco Bellucci on flickr

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Last week’s discussion about the difference between busy and productive featured a comment from Jim Gordon. In a follow-up comment he expanded how he deals with this problem when teammates complain, whether by word or look, that he’s goofing off because he isn’t ‘busy’.

“One strategy I used in my groups was to map out every single task we were doing, have the team agree that it is a fair and balanced, distributed workload, and completed the tasks on my terms. By doing this, I was able to finish everything quickly. In fact, on multiple occasions I gave myself MORE work only to finish it hours before the rest of the team to prove a point. I am not saying I recommend this, as I had the time to do it, but the underlying idea behind the method is what’s important.

What this does is put everyone on a common ground – it makes everything transparent. In a sense, it almost divides the group into a set of individuals. Although it may seem counter-intuitive, unless you have booming chemistry it is the best way to accommodate opposite personalities. Busy people will always like busy people better than productive people (think in terms of “misery loves company”). Productive people will like the other productive people. The idea is to work “together” separately and on common terms. I didn’t run into a single other problem after we began agreeing to these common terms. I would say “I’ll crunch these numbers, translate them, write the report on them, and email it to you if you do this other task… does that sound fair?” If they said “Yes,” then as long as you finish your task, they cannot say anything.”

Smart thinking—especially considering that Jim did this in college (he just graduated).

But what if you’re work isn’t quantitative? It’s a difficult solution to implement when your work day isn’t comprised of set duties.

Think about it. How many of your people really understand what you do and why you spend your time the way you do? And that means that when you’re managing by walking around, which is very productive, they think you’re just goofing off and leaving all the work to them.

The solution is simple, whereas the implementation can be difficult.

The solution is to communicate; to talk. To describe to your people what you do and why, so they see your wandering around the department as a job duty and not a time-waster. To make sure that your people can track your productivity even when you don’t seem busy.

Implementation depends on your willingness to share the details of your work and that depends on your MAP (mindset, attitude, philosophy™).

There are many managers who don’t know what they do beyond the obvious parts and you can’t share what you don’t know.

And more managers than you might think don’t want to share; they want to keep the managerial mystique intact, which means shrouding much of the work in secrecy or at least no details.

The former just takes some effort to identify and describe all the intangibles that make up your invisible work.

The latter is between you and your MAP, but as I keep saying, MAP can change and it’s always your choice.

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Bob Sutton, author of The No Asshole Rule, recently wrote a 40th anniversary tribute called The Peter Principle Lives.

For those of you too young to remember, the Peter Principle states that “In a hierarchy, every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence.”

“Dr. Peter argued, “When people do their jobs well, society can’t leave well enough alone. We ask for more and more until we ask too much. Then these individuals—promoted to positions in which they are doomed to fail—start using a bag of tricks to mask their incompetence. They distract us from their crummy work with giant desks, replace action with incomprehensible acronyms, blame others for failure, cheat to create the illusion of progress.”

Well put and oh, so, ironic.

The very supermen who performed such extraordinary feats of financial legerdemain were actually at the peak of their Peter Principle.

Sutton writes, “If Dr. Peter were alive today, he’d find that a new lust for superhuman accomplishments has helped create an almost unprecedented level of incompetence. The message has been this: Perform extraordinary feats, or consider yourself a loser.”

What do you ask of your people?

Do you ask for competency; for them to do the best they are capable of at that point in time? Do you give them the tools, training, support and opportunities to grow and develop?

Or do you promote your people before any of these happen, tossing them into the deep end of the pool to swim—or drown.

As a manager at any level you hold your people’s future in your hands. At any point you have the choice of helping them on their path to success, slowing them down or destroying them.

What do you choose?

Image credit: Barnes and Noble

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I’ve always thought of life as a corridor with dozens of doors opening, each one representing an opportunity.

You may open one or pass them by—it’s your choice.

Each time you do open one and enter that door closes forever and you move down a new corridor full of doors.

The door you entered is sealed because whatever lay behind it changed you, so you can’t go backwards, only forward.

Some people to through life opening as few doors as possible, changing as little as possible and staying as safe as possible.

Others launch themselves through the most interesting doors with gusto, taking advantage of whatever opportunities are concealed and then on to the next door.

In honor of all those who are, or lean to, the latter description I dedicate these two Rules. They are especially apropos today.

Watch for big problems—they disguise big opportunities.

Welcome the unexpected! Opportunities rarely come in neat, predictable packages.

You can’t open every door and you don’t have to stay long if you don’t like what you find, but if you pass straight through never opening any doors you’ll stay in pristine condition and you don’t really want to arrive at the end as untouched as you were when you started—do you?

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