How To Talk To Women
by Miki Saxon
Valeria Chuba is an intimacy coach (clinical sexologist) and has found three main responses by her male clients to the recent bevy of harassment complaints.
- Defensiveness
- Disbelief at the enormity and pervasiveness of sexual violence and misconduct
- Difficulty with empathizing
No surprises, but her commentary is interesting and useful.
In trying to figuring out how to interact with women many men are choosing the easy route.
… men who want to enact the “Pence rule” (avoiding socializing alone with any woman who is not one’s wife) do so at a potentially enormous cost to their female colleagues, their organizations, and themselves. In fact, the notion that some men are confused as to how to “mentor young women without harassing them” is a troubling comment on masculinity.
Easy, because it takes little effort from them, while further screwing (pun intended) women and “keeping them in their place” — which is below and away from men.
There’s a better way to monitor your words and actions.
Best, it’s a simple yardstick with which to measure them.
Ask yourself if you would say the words, use the tone, or perform the action on your mother, sister or any female relative.
Measure other men’s comments/tones/actions the same way.
Think about how you would feel if they were speaking to your mother/sister/grandma/etc. If it was your mom/etc. would you let it go or would you call them on it?
That simple mental test is an excellent guide for men who are worried about whether they or someone else is crossing the line.
That said, men also need to understand that women may still make the wrong assumption and take it the wrong way based on her previous experience with other men.
Not because it’s a bad yardstick, but because trust takes time — especially when dealing with systemic social problems.
So keep using the yardstick; share it with your team; embed it in your culture, be an active part of the (eventual) change.
Flickr image credit: Bill Smith
