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Archive for May, 2007

Backlash 3-Side Effects Of Guilt

Thursday, May 3rd, 2007

(Continuing from yesterday)

Guilt does nasty things, not just to our psyche, but also to our minds and bodies. Guilt induces stress (as if you don’t have enough already) and the varied effects of stress are enough to fill a small library.

Once you bring your guilt under control and implement your guilt-eradication habits it’s time to undo the damage—not just the damage due to guilt, but the damage caused by the actions that led to your saying no in the first place.

Typically, the whole mess started from saying yes to most, if not all, requests and taking on too many commitments. This led, over a period to time, to borrowing more and more time from other actions (meals, exercise, family, friends, etc.) and using it to achieve all the stuff you said you’d do.

The prime result is deterioration. Deterioration in nutrition (quick food is rarely healthy), activities (no time to workout, let alone play), family relationships (it’s hard to be warm and fuzzy when someone is busy/harried/always-on/tired/grumpy), and friends (who wants to spend time with an always-on bear with a sore head).

Nothing I’ve said so far is rocket science, there are already hundreds of books addressing what to do, and they all work to a greater or lesser degree.

The trick to turning the deterioration around is finding things that appeal to your MAP. This often means tweaking what you find in a book or thinking up something that’s all yours—it may not be new, but you’ll still own it.

For instance, if you find your eating isn’t great, rather than frozen dinners, takeout, or fast food, try investing in one or two cooking days a month. Cook multiple entrees, but make it fun by using, in addition to your favorites, recipes you’ve never done or been afraid to tackle, and freeze them. Cooking day can be even more fun by making it a cooking class, where everyone teaches each other. This is especially great for kids of all ages. If absolutely necessary, package what you cook to eat on the run, but it’s best to eat “like a real person,” at a table with company, whether people, a book or even the TV—not with your laptop or cell phone.

If you really want to have some fun, have a dinner dance at least once a week. Most people I’ve suggested this to tell me that once they tried it they ended up incorporating it almost daily. A dinner dance is just what it sounds like, only a lot less formal. The dancing takes place during both preparation and eating, and often continues after the meal is finished. Whether you dance alone or with a partner doesn’t matter, what matters is that you move! Ballroom, swing, line, rock, break, square or something else, get it on and dance.

See, not rocket science.

And before you say you don’t have time to do any of this, think about the time you’re generating every time you say no, to what better use can you put it?

Tomorrow we’ll address your MAP, before an insurgency starts.

Backlash 2—Internal Guilt

Wednesday, May 2nd, 2007

(Continuing from yesterday)

Internally generated guilt is probably the most dangerous, debilitating, downright crippling emotional bludgeon we use on ourselves. Because we manufacture it within ourselves, we often don’t recognize the true source, unlike guilt from the outside. Worse still is the guilt we lay upon ourselves for not feeling guilty when society says that we should (been there/done that).

Internal guilt is nothing short of Machiavellian in keeping itself hidden, so it’s often easier to identify it indirectly, which is a fairly simple process. First, follow the steps described yesterday to address whatever obvious sources of outside guilt you’ve identified. Then, rather than wasting energy trying to eradicate every tiny particle from the outside, assume that the rest (majority) of the guilt is internally generated—which, by the way, is usually the case.

Also, know that recognizing the source is the first, longest, and most difficult step for most people.

There’s no way I can address every possible scenario that causes internal guilt—they’re as varied as individual MAP—but these three are the most basic—the ones that our minds tweak and customize in order to have the biggest impact possible—assuring that we stay miserable.

  • Scenario 1 woulda/coulda/shoulda: This is probably the most common type, in which you say no—then beat yourself up because you woulda done it if [I’d planned better]; coulda done it if [I’d really pushed myself]; shoulda done it ’cause [I’m reliable].
  • Scenario 2 I’m a good/bad person: In this instance, the mental dialog is along the lines that good/nice people don’t say no or that you’re a bad person because you did say no; either way, while the dialog runs, the guilt rushes in nearly drowning you.
  • Scenario 3 I like/owe…: This is one of the most difficult, since it’s your emotional self that’s at fault. The guilt generated from thinking, ‘Jean did X for me, but I said no to her.’ or ‘Larry is one of my favorite people and a great friend, but I said no to him.’ is probably the most corrosive form of guilt.

Now for the good stuff—how to short-circuit your internal guilt trip.

1. The minute you find yourself feeling guilty, immediately stop and

2. say whatever you’re thinking out loud, if you don’t have privacy, then write it down, and really listen to the words.

3. Identify which of the above scenarios, or combination, most closely fits what you’re thinking.

4. Do an honest reality check as to whether there was any reasonable way you could have said yes, although the odds are about 1000:1 that there won’t be; if there was a way, then

5. you didn’t actually want to say yes and your guilt is over not feeling guilty for saying no, i.e., you should feel guilty, but don’t.

6. Say your original thought out loud again, but this time in the bluntest language, you can using the applicable scenarios.

7. What you say will be so ridiculous when you hear it that you’ll start laughing.

The analysis works like soap to scrub off the guilt and the laughter will rinse it away.

Repeat as often as necessary. You’ll find that the more often you do it, the less often guilt will rear its ugly head—unless it’s deserved, and in that case the scenarios won’t fit and the steps won’t work.

What you do in the case of deserved guilt is move heaven and earth until you’ve righted the wrong you caused.

Stay tuned, tomorrow is about ways to handle the side effects of guilt.

Backlash 1—External Guilt

Tuesday, May 1st, 2007

(Continuing from yesterday)

Guilt is probably the most powerful and insidious motivator in existence. Dealing with it is difficult enough when the source is external, but it’s far worse when we do it to ourselves. Not surprising, since most of us are far harder on ourselves when evaluating performance than are our managers or clients.

Let’s start with the easy one—externally generated guilt. I say easy because it stems from the expectations that you instilled in your manager/client/customers and, as the source of the expectations, you are in the best position to reshape them.

  • Start by stating your new parameters with crystal clarity—no hinting, hedging, or tentativeness allowed—it’s the only way to be fair to both of you. It’s classic conditioning, with your previous actions setting the original expectations, “You can always reach me on my cell.” then you actually answered it 24/7. What you want to do is recondition their expectations, “If I’m unavailable when you call me be sure to leave a detailed message, so I know how urgent the call is and exactly what you need from me. This allows me to address your needs in the most efficient way possible.” Depending on the situation, you may need to dial back by evolution, rather than revolution, but you’re the only one with enough knowledge to make that call.
  • Expect resistance. Recognize that you’ve spoiled your manager/client/customer and, like Paris Hilton or any five year old, they’re not going to let go lightly. Whatever reason you choose to give them be sure that it doesn’t minimize their importance, or make them question your ability to service them; and if it’s a white fib, be sure that it’s simple, you don’t want to have to remember a long, convoluted story, and closed-ended, so it can’t come back and bite you at a later date.
  • Don’t back down! Reconditioning expectations in a manager/client/customer works the same way as any kind of boundary setting—once you draw the line you need to stick to it, otherwise it means nothing. Worse, it won’t take long for your manager/client/customer to realize that you’re going to wimp out if they push hard enough. They may be wearing a suit, own the company, or carrying a big title, but they’re just like any spoiled brat—so grit your teeth, remember who did the spoiling, and don’t back down.
  • Finally, remember that, just as those expectations didn’t develop overnight, they won’t go away in a day, so tenacity should be your watchword.

Now, come back tomorrow and get a handle on handling the guilt trips you lay on yourself.

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